child to adult to child....

We do come full circle if we live our lives to the end. My mother is going to be 90 in April. Her hearing aids were just whistling like crazy. That high pitched squeal that drills its way into your head and rattles each tooth. It rests at the base of your brain and builds pressure until you think your head is going to leave your shoulders and go flying off like a rapidly deflating balloon!!!

"Mom, please turn your hearing aids down, they are making noise."
"Well I guess I just shouldn't wear them"

Anything that start with "mom would you please" always ends with some sort of pouty answer. "I wish God would take me" is always a good one. Mom's other purposeful communication involves telling visitors that she hasn't gone somewhere. "I haven't been to church for almost a year". See the last 3-4 times I asked she said no, too tired or whatever. So I stopped asking.

Food is in the fridge and "areas" have been designated (mostly by her) for food items. I'll fill it up with good food and it rots, "oh I didn't know I could eat that". She has always been told when items were prepped for a party so why she continues this is unknown. I always tell her it is her choice what she chooses to eat.

I do not understand why she chooses to live her life like this. This should have been a time for us to be close but she put up barriers at every pass, chooses to be non-communicative. She loves "the fight", has always chosen to do battle for some slight, real or imagined. She loves to write to companies and complain about their products. Then she gets freebies, coupons or whatever and lives on telling that story to everyone she sees, many times more than once. I can not imagine what the thrill is. While I do not shrink from conflict, I do not seek it out.

Life is too short to always be negative. My life is so good except for having her live with me. You see the joke is that everyone else died so they would not get stuck with her. My brother, Billie, died when he was 18, me 10, cancer of the bone. He was mentally unbalanced so it may have been for the best. You see my parents were first cousins, something that is not allowed for good reason. My other brother, Matt, died when I was in my early 30's. Mom found him dead, face down on the living room couch. He was "retired" from the Airforce and was pretty much not doing anything, living at home. When my nephews cleaned out his stuff they found child pornagraphy. My sister was born before my parents met. Her dad was never involved in her life and you would never know that she was not my father's daughter. She died after my brother. She was cool, little drinking problem but a great person overall. We'll save dad for another day. I loved my dad.

There are so many times in my life when I have had the opportunity to be an observer. I love to throw parties for my friends and I will sit back and just watch everyone interacting. Sometimes I feel like I have become invisible because I am able to watch so completely. These are often the times when I feel most at peace, closest to "God".

Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies

This one is way easy!! It is mostly the Tollhouse recipe but I do 1/4c soy margarine and 3/4c smooth low fat peanut butter for the FAT in the recipe, use the "Peanutbutter/Milk Chocolate Chip" Chips from Nestle's and no extra nuts (unless you must but I don't think so). I also adjust the sugar to 1c Brown sugar and 1/2c white sugar.

Always remember to take your cookies out just before you think you should...too much cooking time makes cookies dry and hard!

This is Chocolate Cake

One box of chocolate cake mix:
Instead of pure water try 1/3 c Kahlua or Bailey's topped off with water, Real or fake eggs as requested in directions, substitute the oil with one container of (my favorite for this cake) Yoplait Boston Cream or Vanilla Non-Fat Yogurt, one box of chocolate pudding mix.
Bake at 350 for 45-55 minutes in bundt pan (less if using a flat pan...cake will be dense and moist).

Cool and remove from pan as usual. Make the glaze by simmering 1/2-2/3c of whatever liquor you used in the cake with same amount of water and 1/4c sugar or Splenda. As it gets thicker take it off the stove and brush intermittently over the cake. Dust with powdered sugar if desired and enjoy. This is a great cake recipe. I tend to enjoy cake with little or no frosting and sub the non-fat Yoplait for all my oil in boxed mixes.

Cooking

I have so improved my cooking skills. I grew up with white bread and meat and potatoes. My mom and Grandma were ok cooks, nothing special. I think being exposed to so many fresh items and varied foods here in San Diego helped me to learn how to put things together.

I love to stand in my small kitchen with the cabinet and fridge doors open. I peruse the contents and "Voila" a plan emerges. I think this is easy but my friends tell me "no way!". I find as much pleasure in cooking as I do in refinishing an old bookcase or acid staining concrete (though cooking is definitely easier than those two things). I am not a cooking snob either. I think it is fine to use box mixes, just don't limit yourself to following the directions.

Time

I have some time to kill. What a strange term but true. After all if we aren't doing something useful isn't is like killing time instead of using it for something worthwhile.

There are so many things right now that I am waiting for. I am waiting to go to Italy to see my daughter. I am waiting for my mom to pass on. While I wait I live my life as best I can. There are so many things I can do with my time and sometimes I do what I should and other times I am just a lump.

In 2002 I bought this 906 sq. ft. condo. It has 2 bedrooms and 2 baths. My mom has the master, someone other than me has always had the master. It was pretty white bread, plain walls, mint green kitchen, ugly linoleum in the bathrooms.

My first room to paint was the little hallway. Tiny space with three doors and a built-in cabinet that would later be taken out in favor of a lovely corner cabinet in teak. The little hallway is the color of pumpkin pie. It is warm and dramatic in such a small space.

The next color decision was also easy. Red for my bedroom. It is a soft red but not bright or dark. My furniture glows against it. I finally tok down the massive white closet sliders in favor of a design of my own making with painters canvas and strips of red oak. My friends can't believe the stuff I do. It doesn't seem like a big deal to me. The bedroom floor was the first to go. The carpet had been so nasty!! I put in a black border and did swirls of amber over the main body of the floor. I swore that it was too much work and that acid staining was in my past. That would ony last just so long. The floor is aging beautifully. There isn't a day that goes by that I do not look at my floors with pride and appreciation.

I would paint my bathroom twice. The last color is a vibrant gold. I really though of a breast fed baby's poop when it was going up. I would re-furbish the exhisting cabinet, replacing the sink and ripping up the old linoleum in favor of beautiful Italian tiles. The old aluminum medicaine cabinet came down in favor of a rich Tuscan mirror. The kitchen is also a goldish color. When I made the decision to paint the dark wood cabinets (plywood for the drawers and lower doors) my friend, Pat, was agahast!! You can't paint wood! I agree if it is good wood, but this wasn't. The first time she saw my beautiful purple cabinets with their fancy brushed nickle knobs and pulls, she realized that I do know what I am talking about. My living room would be another two color thing. The first one was bland, peachy. Not right with the rest. The kitchen is open to the living room so it needed to work with it not against it. I had already purchased my purple chair and ottoman, the new leather was a rich rusty brown, the walls are now that bright green that you see on all those commercials. Imagine my surprise as I saw what I had thought was an unusual color feature so prevelently in so many ads! Now the living room and mom's room all have the acid stained concrete, in the living room we did an awesome broken checkerboard design. Mom's room is like an edge carpet with in the floor. Hers is harder to keep up, the walker and the constant rolling about in her desk chair takes the sealer down all the time.

Time is what you make of it.....

California is such a great place to live. We have some of the most expensive real estate around but it is worth it to have sunshine most days, a view of the beach or of the mountains. I can drive a couple of hours and be in the heart of Mexico or on Big Bear with snow on the ground.

I started spending time on Paso Robles and Solvang after a friend moved into the area. People make wine for the love of it, some for the love of money. I like the folks who do it for fun. Standing at the bar at Penman is one of my favorite things to do. Beth and Rosie are quite a pair. They feed you, I like to compare recipes with Rosie and discuss different ways to use any of the many oils and vinegars they also sell. The pouring is free in more ways than one and oyu must pace yourself as Tobin James and Pretty Smith are also on the east side of the 101. TJ makes you feel like you have indeed fallen into the old west. Having a designated driver is great. If you are tasting to buy though remember that it is ok to NOT DRINK the whole pour!! Lisa Pretty is a singular woman. Now running the winery with little help and without her ex (the Smith part) she puts out some exemplory wines. She is often up at the house as you drive in but comes running as she hears her dogs start to bark as you approach the tasting room.

There are so many wineries starting up and sometimes just changing hands. This only discusses 3 of my favorites on the east side. These wineries make afew whites but what is life without a little touch of color?!
I will need another time for the west, Santa Barabara, Napa, Sonoma....... How many reasons are there to love California?

Life is never what you thought it was going to be. Folks make their 5 year plan, their 2 year plan and you know what happens?? Life passes by you.....