Contrasts

Life is full of contrasts; at work (for either job) I am respected and looked to for guidance, people have respect for me and my opinion. At home my mother thinks I can't tie my shoes by myself....

Tonight was the whiny old girl routine where SHE decided that I should do her eye drops in the afternoon before I leave for work........duh, that is what I said when I was switching jobs. You see she just doesn't get enough sleep:
Me: up at 6-6:30a. Walk dog, bfast (maybe), ice, water check, feed and water dog, get my lunch and head off for Arc office or group home. Work preferably till 12-12:30p and run home, do ice again cause it is hot and the cat can't have warm water (let me interject here that Sammie may have no water while the cat has iced water), bring in the mail, clean up anything that needs to be done then. Now I go off to API at about 2:40p for my 3-11p shift where I am usually on the go for the next 8 hours, then I come home and give the drops in that one eye, check food and water and crawl into bed hopefully falling asleep before 12-12:30a. Start all over the next day. Now one day every week I don't have to do the evening job and every other weekend I am really blessed with 2 days off from both jobs!!! I am looking very forward to August 3rd when I will be celebrating my independence from the Arc of San Diego!!
Mom: up around 8-9a. Have bfast and read newspaper till 10ish. Trot back to room for prayers and game shows. Maybe watch TV or clean cat litter, or wash undies/slippers. About noonish come back out to the kitchen for fully prepared meal to stick in microwave (meal is prepared during those "days off" of mine). takes till 1p or so and then she will wash her dishes and go back to her room and watch a baseball game or soaps until she lays down for her nap around 2:30-3p. Up around 5p and back out for dinner (also mostly prepared and ready to go) at 6p. By 7p she is on her way back to her room (now we have a thermos for her nighttime ice cause she doesn't want to walk to the kitchen again). On nights I don't work she is at the door asking for her eye drops around 9:30p, "you can do my drops now, I know you're tired" Like she is doing me a favor.

For me, I will be a stronger person for this experience. I will hopefully be a better aging adult. I know she is scared of death, we all are...some more than others. Death is the ultimate unknown but it is unavoidable. I would think that as you get closer to the end of life, and especially if your life has become so difficult, that the idea of a rest would be welcomed. But mom still checks her blood pressure daily and stews about her bowels and little aches and pains that most of us just don't even think about. Yet she will not pursue the doctor about physical therapy, she gives me a cock and bull story and the doctor says he thinks she needs it but i think she tells him she can't do it. She stopped taking her Fosamax for bone strength cause she hasn't had a scan recently. Pretty sure that is why her leg hurts more but she knows more than I do and more than the doctors do.

I pray every day that this is the day she doesn't get up from that bed, just go in her sleep. I sleep more lightly than when Jessica was little cause there is always that chance of a nice fall. I am always watching (and I know that sometimes she puts on "extra drama" just for me) trying to figure out what other modifications can be done to maintain her. I am never really "off", not even when I am sleeping for those 5-6 hours a day.