Life on hold

Busy

2011-03-18T00:42:00.000-07:00

Life is definitely NOT on hold these days! I have been hitting music venues with and without Jessica in tow, went to Scotland, planning more music venues, working and playing as much as I can.

Scotland was an incredibly wonderful country to visit. Edinburgh is old and with many hidden gems in and under the city. We had so little time but we did get a taste and I, for one, would not mind returning again....maybe a 2-3 week trip between Ireland and Scotland in a slightly warmer month like April or May!

It is a small country so we were able to run up to the Highlands. To say that this is beautiful country is just not adequate. The ruggedness is breathtaking. The mountain sides are carved by water and ice through the ages, rivers crossover the entire country, lakes are deep and mysterious. Inverness is a quaint little city with a castle that we did not get to see due to our tour times. Food was excellent with many choices of cuisine, better than when we were in London.

We were also able to take a side trip to Glasgow where modern is overtaking old, but some old will always remain. Music and eateries are abundant in Glasgow. It would definitely be considered a party town, plenty of hens about in the downtown area. Train service is excellent through Scotland. If we had not been catching the plane in Edinburgh in the morning I would have definitely stayed overnight in Glasgow.

Coachella is next, plus Florence and the Machine, another shot at Mogwai and any other live acts that come our way. Florence is playing at The Greek in LA and I am so excited to go to this legendary venue.

Life is short take a damned big bite!!

Infrequent poster

2010-12-14T19:14:00.000-08:00

Last post in May.....
I think a large part of it is I no longer have the daily aingst of living with my mom 24/7. Now I can just run down weekly and visit her at the RCFE where she is well cared for (but still complaining every visit!).
I am fully engaged in pursuing musical pleasures which often includes traveling to venues. It is a wonderful thing that my daughter and I share many musical preferences so sometime she comes with me or I with her. My dancing days may be behind me but my toes still tap quite nicely. I regularly run up to LA for shows. We went together to SF this summer to see one of my favorites and one of hers happen to be playing at the same time. Both venues were fun but SF is WAY busier than I remembered. We did the pier, Alcatraz and all that touristy stuff. Denver was in April for a literary conference with Jessica. We had a side trip to Manitou Springs which was just lovely, it even snowed. Garden of he Gods was magnificent.
As much fun as we have had in the states this year I am now waiting (not so patiently) for our trip to Scotland! Started as a wistful email to have a month to bounce around the UK seeing bands. Jessica emails back that tickets to Scotland were $800 ($860 all inclusive). I decided that I can keep these ratty counter tops and we are off for Scotland in 2011!!! I am beyond excited for this. I know I was super excited when I went to Italy in 2006 for my 50th but I swear I am even more excited for this one! I think that the fact that I am deep into a Highlands historical romance set in 1700's colonies and Scotland is contributing to the excitement. Edinburgh Castle, Holyrood Palace, Loch Ness, Inverness and Glasgow will all be trampled on in the 8 days we are there. Pubs are open till 3a, we are on a busline and well there just isn't anything else more perfect. Things I will not be doing in Scotland is eating Haggis, Black Pudding; I will, however, try some Cock of the North ;)

Chase Rewards

2010-10-22T07:57:00.000-07:00

I do not use much for credit cards. My wallet had consisted of a Capitol One Card and a debit card for my bank account and one for my mother's account. I rarely use Mom's but used the Cap1 on a routine basis and pay off monthly.
Recently I used Cap1 to purchase medical supplies for my mother on line, I also used mom's card at this same business (Durable Medical Express). For my mom's card it is the only other company other than her pharmacy that the card has been used for.
Within a couple weeks Cap1 called me for fraudulent charges...the iPad I had just bought and music, these are common charges for me. They failed to note the Asian Dating Service and Flowers to China....idiots!!! They did credit them immediately and closed that card. Chase on the other hand called within minutes of mom's card being used to purchase tickets from British Airways, at least someone has my back.
It gets worse, in all this I had scheduled a payment but because they sent out a new card the scheduled payment did not show and i thought I had to re-submit it. Now Cap1 has $1200 of my money that they wont give back for two billing cycles. When I just wanted the money back it was going to be 15 days which also upset me and why I decided to close the card.
So I found NO REWARDS WITH CAPITOL ONE!!!!

What Happened??

2010-07-21T12:08:00.000-07:00

I think that my life has less overall stress in it so I don't think I feel such a strong need to vent here anymore. Things are going on still....Jessica is renewing her life, mom is still kicking and I am shamelessly enjoying my minimal demands life.

Because Mom is in the B&C I am obligated to the weekly visits with treats....no longer tied to having people in the house to help her, making meals when I don't feel like it, waking up in time to get her paper. As long as the curtains are closed I can walk to the living room without getting dressed and use all of my 900sf of living space.

As much as I loved my furry friend Sammie I enjoy having less cleaning to do, I don't have to walk and pick up poop, worry about her being alone too much when I do a double. If I need doggie time I can go see my daughter's dog, Madeline or go to the mall and walk one of the store puppies.

What I do have is time to go on trips, Hollywood for music, Denver with Jessica for her conference, San Francisco for my music and her's....we make good traveling companions even though I am slower and need more rest than she does. She is a good daughter and we enjoy our time together.

So life is rolling along and I don't know where it will go or how long I will be here but I want to do the best to enjoy every day!!

"Occupied"

2010-05-15T20:07:00.000-07:00

It could be easy like the restroom or it could be a life no longer on hold, something in stasis or so much in motion that keeping up is a lost cause.
Mom continues to do well in the Board and Care. I won good daughter points for purchasing a small fridge and a jar of bread and butter pickles! Go figure.......
My beloved Sammie died here at home 2 days before Christmas. She had a lovely trip to Tucson in November with her "sister" Madeline to help my daughter and, then son-in-law Greg to pack out their house there. Jessica moved in with a work friend and Greg with me.
Unfortunately the separation brought out some weak points in the relationship and they are currently getting a divorce. They are both having major adjustment issues. Greg is dating, Jessica is trying to find challenging activities. They are both a bit lost, hurt. Madeline is with Jessica but Greg dog-sits when Jessica and I go off on trips.
I took a new position at work which gave me more stuff to do but is well compensated for so I guess it is all good. I have a new belief in looking for talented musical artists and then planning trips in order to see them perform. Lucy Woodward was a day trip to LA, Hollywood exactly. Incredible show, well worth the trip. Looking forward to seeing Lara Price in San Fransisco in July. We also hit the Adams Ave Root Festival and The Gator by the Bay for blues/zydeco. I truly enjoy the smaller venues and undiscovered local acts. They are often as talented as the bigger names but with out the visibility. We had an "ex-Arc" get together which was fun. As usual I got an extra pair of sunglasses, a hair thingy, a notepad and a spoon from Iowa. Hopefully they will make their way back to their owners....but I don't know. Jessica and I did go to Colorado in April which was fun. All in all life has been on going which is not a bad thing.

My favorite saying is that there will be plenty of time to sleep when your dead!

3:51am

2009-09-26T06:14:00.000-07:00

That was when I first woke-up....now it is 6:15am. Oh well, too much time is wasted in bed right?? I am not a frequent insomniac but it does occur. I wake for some minor reason and then my mind starts to run and I cannot get back to sleep. Well as soon as it is light I will walk the dog and go hit the stores early for "Mabel" shopping.

It would appear that I will have no choice but to import each and every one of my CDs to the new computer. I could not sync the Sansa that I purchased and this morning it went off and did not come back on so heaven knows what is going on there. It had issues when I started with it and then it worked ok and now this. We will see. I guess I had best start saving for my big ass iPod next. I will not make the same mistakes again with going for small memory, I have learned my lesson.

Passing...

2009-09-24T11:15:00.000-07:00

Time has passed, the season has passed and so did my old computer.

The Toshiba PC went down last Friday. I purchased it before the kids went to Italy because I wanted a good computer for pics and all. That was over 4 years ago....time does pass constantly.

So now I am the proud owner of my first Mac. I still need to set up the printer and learn how to use certain apps but I am trainable and inquisitive so I am not afraid to investigate and learn on the fly.

Retrieving passwords and user names has been one of the harder things as I did not recall what emails I had when I set up accounts and had the passwords for some accounts were stored on the computer. Nothing could be retrieved from the memory. I have managed to get back into most of my accounts and am learning the quirks of Mac.

Having no thoughts??

2009-07-25T17:54:00.000-07:00

It's a dead weekend after a very crazy week. So I guess I should not feel guilty for vegetating but I do. Not enough to actually do anything about it though.
I cruised Prius Chat, looked at Facebook ( I still don't get it), brushed the dog and picked up a few hair tumble weeds. So this is the extent of my brain capacity this weekend. Oh well.

Independence Day

2009-07-04T11:49:00.000-07:00

I love these holidays! I let all the crazy people go off to the beaches and I stay at home watching Twilight Zone on SciFi! I love TZ.
When I was a kid, TZ was on Friday nights. My mom would come home from Bingo and be upset with my dad ...... "she's going to have nightmares!" I think my dad knew that there was nothing in TZ to be afraid of, indeed TZ episodes should be shown to people as a form of brainwashing. TZ teaches us to be happy with what we have, it teaches us that we are flawed and that we must always try to do our best.
The TZ episodes from the 60's (actual start 1959) often dealt with the end of the world. The earth moving out of it's orbit, nuclear war, aliens from outer space. It was the time of insecurity, cuban missiles and the shows reflected that.
Wanting more was also a common theme, the couple with the genie learned that what they already had was good enough. Burgess Meredith as the bank teller always looking for time to read was such a perfect example of being careful about wishing for more. After a nuclear blast he has all the time in the world to read but accidently breaks his glasses without which he cannot read.
The power of belief and faith in the mind were evident in the episode where a father in a wagon train with a sick child crosses over time to retrieve antibiotics that will serve to save his child. Or the episode with the WWI British flyer who in fear loses his way and ends up lost in present time. He learns that the guy he was flying with was not killed but rather saved by him. He flies back to his own time with new found courage.
And bullies beware! Astornauts find a civilization of tiny people, one of them lets it go to his head. He kills his cohorts and makes the small people worship him, though in fear. Then he is discovered by an even larger civilization who accidently crush him.
So why would anyone believe that TZ was bad for you. I have to believe that if Rod Serling could see the crap that is on TV today he would cry. All that today's TV teaches is that the more obnoxious you are then the more likely it is you will end up on TV.
Happy Independence Day!

Anti-Social?!

2009-07-04T11:33:00.000-07:00

I don't get things like Facebook. I looked at it and pretty much did not find it very interesting. I did not even use accurate info yet I can still be identified. I find that frightening. I know this is a public domain as well but the likelihood of many people reading these or looking for a person here is less likely. This seems like a safer place to think out loud.
Facebook seems filled with the mundane but often personal information. Once you have done anything on it you apparently cannot delete the information. I don't really need to know every move that a friend makes. I miss more personal contact, more meaningful things.
So I guess that in this day and age I would be considered antisocial cause I don't care for things like Facebook. Oh well, I guess it had to happen sooner or later....I am becoming an old fart!

Philosophy and other lost arts of late night ramblings

2009-06-05T00:58:00.000-07:00

You never hear about philosophers anymore. There are still inventors and pioneers in many fields but there are simply not that many philosophers. Do we no longer need to think? Have machines taken over that task?
Many individuals cannot even leave there house without their cell phones (mostly now termed "Smart Phones") or their computers, PDAs and such. We cannot make independent decisions, we must research the net first. Don't get me wrong, I love technology as much as anyone. I believe that technology, used in correct doses, can be liberating and educational. In excess (and what else do Americans do but anything to excess) it can be mind numbing.
An individual I was working with was berating the European lifestyle, saying they were lazy. I feel sorry for this guy cause he does not even realize how useless his own life is. He loves to find fault with anything and complains like my 93 year old mother (she could be Jewish!) He is just 25, getting married and has a degree. He is not using his degree as there are not the "right sort" of job for him. So he is a mental health worker for $12/hr. He is way too connected to his electronics, does not feel the need to pursue anything else because his grandparents made good investments and he feels he is already set for life (I do not see signs of his financial freedom and the "fortune" may rest on the whims of others as it is not officially his at this time.
The guy who did my plumbing jobs recently has had a drastic change of fortune in this volatile financial climate. When I last used his services he was having a great time, employed 18 people and was adding vehicles to his fleet. Now just a few months later he employs one guy, is trying to get rid of his leased vehicles and is short selling his home and moving into a friends rental. I have had folks in his same boat brought to me at work on 72 hour holds because they got to drinking and started thinking suicide. He is looking at the positives of having good friends and a wife with a decent job. He was even thinking about his friends and willing to give me their names for my counter top job when I am ready, "people are starving out there".
My dad lost both parents by the time he was 22. He had to help raise some of his family. I lost one brother at 10, and by the time I was 37 I had lost another brother, my sister and my dad.
What makes one person respond to adversity in a constructive manner and another fall apart?? Why do some folks start on pain medications and get off them while others become lifelong addicts?
As much as we might like to think that we understand the human body there is still so much we do not understand and probably never will. I saw something recently where some author was talking about people needing faith to be happy. I don't know if there is a god or not, heaven or hell or life after death. I have faith in me. I believe that given an opportunity I will choose the right path. My life is happy because I seek out happiness in the everyday items of life; listening to the birds at night, watching the rain on the grass in the morning, getting excited to get out of bed every morning even if it is on less then comfortable knees. Because every moment that we are here we have a chance to make someones life more special, maybe even our own. It may not be something big like winning a car or saving a life, but maybe just some small kindness to someone who needs that small kindness to reinstate their faith in the world around them. That's my sleepless in San Diego ramblings, maybe I can get to sleep soon.

Time Change

2009-03-10T11:13:00.000-07:00

This past weekend many of us "leaped ahead" for the spring time change. Seeing as how I work the 3-11 shift I did not think it would affect me much. I don't know if it was the quietness of the morning or what, but I did not get up until just after 9a today!! It is not as though I went to bed late either....in bed and asleep by midnight. I do not recall much tossing and turning....one trip to the bathroom and right back to sleep. I guess I must have needed it but I still feel guilty. It has thrown off my day a bit but that is ok, I am highly adaptable.

Sunny San Diego

2009-02-14T13:51:00.001-08:00

Right now it isn't bad but I have actually used my heat several times this year. I was sure that with mom out of the house I should be able to just cuddle up with a blankie but it has been really colder than normal (I have a hard time absolutely using COLD in the text cause I grew up in Vermont and spent time in truly bitter cold, that is not what we have here). OK, so I have become sort of a wimp when it comes to cold and wet, shoot me.
We are having a nice bit of rain here this February and although I thoroughly enjoy the change, I do have to give in to turning up the thermostat.
So as we get ready for more rain this Sunday through Monday or Tuesday, I will turn on the heater as the temps are rarely making it past 60 during the day but definitely dipping into the 40's at night. Brrrrr!

Worse than Mechanics!

2009-02-14T13:30:00.000-08:00

I went to the dentist this morning cause I had a broken tooth that needed to be looked at. I hate going to the dentist. It is a discomfort, gag reflex issue. Now it is also becoming a rip-off issue.
As usual, at the end of the examination the financial person comes in with a long list. Arestin would appear to be the "new" thing for periodontal disease. The dentist has listed 4 teeth for deep cleaning and scaling. He has listed 11 teeth for Arrestin.......I have quite a few crowns so there are very few teeth left over. First off let me say that there a couple of teeth that show signs of the gums pulling back. None of my teeth are loose, there is no bone damage, no pain or sensitivity. Some sites say that just improved dental care can do more for you that these treatments.
Arestin is a form of Tetracycline.....I guess the dentist missed the part of my chart that says I am allergic to Tetracycline, or maybe he has failed to fully read the insert contraindication sheet that says DO NOT USE IN THOSE WITH SENSITIVITY TO TETRACYCLINE!!
Beyond that, the info for Arestin also states that the cleaning should be done first and then the medication applied.....why then is he cleaning 4 teeth but using Arestin on 11??? Oh, the Arestin here costs $110 per tooth.....other places and pharmacy reps say upto $40 per tooth.
I am not even letting them do the crown. My insurance says it should be $250 for porceline over metal.....SmileCare wants $409. I hate dentists!!

Family and Friends

2008-12-29T09:15:00.000-08:00

So
Jessica and Greg (and Madeline) left this morning. The house is peaceful but woefully so. It has been a wonderful holiday visit but we do have to go on with the mundane daily tasks of work and such.
Having the kids stay here afforded me lots of extra "Mom Time" and we made the best of it! We did many other tasks besides getting cozy with each other. There were trips to the coffee shops, thrift shops and hair dressers. There was time with the grandparents, the brother and sister-in-law, the moms. We laughed a lot, we remembered, we planned.
Family is where it is "all good". No matter what else, you are loved.
I am so fortunate to have a fabulous son-in-law who is talented in so many ways and loves my daughter to distraction. I am fortunate to have a lovely daughter who is smart and resourceful and cares about the world in a big way.
As they embark on a new path in life I encourage them to remember that doing what makes you happiest and fills your soul will automatically make those around you happier. If you can reach for and obtain your goals it makes you a better and more complete person. So even though this huge change in lifestyle will be difficult to adjust to, remember it is just one path in the journey of your life.

Favors, Word Salad and other topics of life

2008-12-19T18:38:00.001-08:00

Bonnie, my unit manager at API, sat with me at the station the other day. First I am thinking I missed something cause she just isn't getting to it. Finally she says it's a favor....will I work on North after April (my best 3-11 buddy) goes to the day shift. Until they hire a guy or something. I fear I may be there for a while but you never know, it could be shorter.
North is where the truly psychotic go. These folks have shit going on in their heads that the movies can only touch on. Delusions of being a genius, papers with pencil written plans, "formulas". People who believe they are god, or the devil, who see things that you or I only see in our nightmares.
Schizophrenia type disorders strike people during their late teens and 20's, devastating family hopes for college and grandchildren. Other psychotic disorders may be the result of years of drug and alcohol abuse, age, trauma. These folks often come to the hospital naked, some have no more than a suitcase full of belongings. Families are long forgotten, burned out or some are still hanging on, looking for those few "good days".
North is where you watch your back. We do have mostly all male staff there and they have been injured when an individual responds to something we can't see or hear and strikes out. But I like North too. Word Salad according to Wiki :
The term originated as the common name for schizophasia, a symptom of various mental illnesses. Schizophasia produces language that not meaningful and might or might not be grammatical. "Salad" indicates that the words are tossed together randomly.
I cannot reproduce word salad the way I could imitate the language or mannerisms of my developmentally disabled patients when I was with Arc. Listening to the predominance of religious content of psychotic speech and ideation is always very interesting as well.
When I was a younger nurse I use to say I hated psych and never likes floating there, everything changes as you get older. Now I enjoy psych and never lose wonderment at the complexities of the mind and spirit.

Arc Alum and then some...

2008-12-19T18:16:00.000-08:00

Arc (formerly known as the Association for Retarded Children) was my workplace for nearly 17 years. I learned so much from the developmentally disabled adults we cared for and from the staff and co-workers.

It was never boring, nor was it always fun. Resident lost...."what do you mean she's missing, she can't move herself out of a chair?" Found her lying behind some neighbors bushes, covered with ants and laughing like hell. Residents who died. In the "old days" "consumers/residents" did not live much out of their teens. As health care has improved they are living much longer in general, 60, 70, 80 years. We have had sudden deaths of younger folks and long cancer deaths of the older ones. It is never easy to say goodbye. These folks become part of your spirit. The love they have is unconditional, forgiving. If we could only all learn to live this way.

Arc is no longer what it was as a workplace. Bob (big dude with the dreads) probably longs for the old days in earnest. Most of us have moved on, started new jobs, new families. But we are still friends and when we get together it is wild, like we have not been separated for months, a year or better.

During parties at my house I am happiest just sitting back, listening and watching my friends enjoy themselves, renew their spirits. My "party hosting" is something that my mom never gets. She thinks it is unfair, too much work for me, too much money, time, whatever. What I get back from seeing the looks on the faces of my friends is worth double any of that (and lets face it, I enjoy spending money and party planning). And so another year is ticking down and although it has had it's rough points there is a lot of happiness in it as well.

Whew!

2008-12-19T12:08:00.001-08:00

I had put some recipes on her that I did not put on the computer itself. With the holiday dinner quickly upon us I needed to find the recipe I had made while the kids were in Italy....Not your Momma;s Green Bean Casserole. No dairy and way more flavor.....Can't wait!!

Holidays

2008-12-16T12:40:00.000-08:00

I do love the holidays even when time is a bit crazy. My shopping is done but I am wondering about cooking cookies and such. I would just bring them to mom's or work (both of course would love it). Cooking has become an expensive habit. Pecan Pie Bars are probably a $20-25 effort.
Decorating is done and I did take a trip to an old favorite to save $$, Pic n' Save (now known as Big Lots). It is fun to dig around.
It will be so much fun to have the kids home. I have already had 2 very eventful parties. API had a big bash at the Dana. Food was great (always choose vegetarian at these things, meat loses a lot when it sits) It was fun to see folks out of their scrubs and all dolled up. The party at my house was fabulous. I had a few of those moments when I sit back and smile inside at how much fun my friends have in my house. the rush I get is better than any drug, booze or other indulgence.
We really flooded out yesterday and it is still wet today. Time to hit the shower and get ready for another night of (barely) controlled insanity!

And ife goes on....

2008-11-08T02:31:00.000-08:00

It has been a hectic 2 weeks since I started my new (old) job and the kids came home. Although everything feels so good right now I am having one of those sleepless nights. I mean, get a load of this:

1. My mom is as happy as she can be at her board and care. I do currently bring her 4 "meals" of stew or soup each week, she has a cat and she has Vida to worry over.
2. My daughter and son-in-law are home after 3 years in Italy (2 years since I have been able to do more than talk to them with Skype). We are having fun talking about the election and plans for Tuscon.
3. My spare (master) bed and bath are finished and (after the kids move) ready for visitors. My friend, Pat, has already used it 3 times!
4. I am working at API again. I wear comfy scrubs to work and only drive 2 miles to get there. I have my mornings to myself and fall into bed around midnight and go to sleep (tonight is a night off). I can, and will, be paid for overtime, I will collect 14 hours of time off each month! I can breathe comfortably when I open my paycheck. Oh, and the people I work with are, for the most part, top notch, respectable, and kind.

Wow!! What a change from the full-on stress packed summer of starting the state job, traveling to Sac once and month while my mother was ill and going from a hospital to a nursing home and onto the board and care while realizing I hated my state job and most of the folks who worked there!
Very glad to be where I is! Keep thinking about that Alannis Morrissette song.....isn't it ironic...

The Other Path

2008-10-16T12:31:00.000-07:00

I am returning to my old job at the psychiatric hospital. I miss wearing jammies to work and only driving 2 miles to get there. I miss working with upbeat folks even though we deal with depression and mental illness. I will miss my evenings off but I like the mornings to myself even more. I will have Friday and Saturday off every week so I can still do most things with friends and family. I will have to work some holidays but I know that if something special is coming up, Kimberly will get me off for it and without playing any games.
I am not giving any real notice to the state. It's not like a hospital, anyone can take over for me. I have only one complaint outstanding that I just need to clear as a "no deficiency" with my supervisor and finish off the paperwork. We are in training next week so I am not scheduled for a survey so I can go anytime. I've already taken some things out of my office. I'm sure no one will even notice. There are 4 women in an office of over 30 that I feel I could talk to but even then I have not told any of them what is going on. My resignation letter is done, citing financial reasons for quitting.
Have I said recently how damn cute and sweet my dog is? I move from room to room and there she is, never out of eye contact, she will move every time I do. The state job with the 4 10 hour days has not been good for her either. On those 4 ten hour days I am just pooped out. It is dark when I leave and dark when I come back.
Back to work! I need to clean the living room floor and get some sealer down, Sammie will need to chose another room to stay in.

Being a "Government Employee"

2008-10-11T06:17:00.000-07:00

So I have finally settled into my job as a HFEN (health facilities evaluator nurse). The job is that of a regulator and pretty much looks for the negative. Although I am not afraid to say "that isn't the right way", I tend to be more of the teacher as opposed to the regulator.

I could probably deal with that side of things in this job if the office was a pleasant place to be but 50% of the supervisors have MAJOR personality/emotional issues. I would speak my mind to 4, maybe 5 women out of 30 in the work place. Otherwise it is a watch over your shoulder and be careful what and to whom you speak. I should say we are not talking about just simple gossip, I am talking about backstabbing nasty stuff.

I recently had to serve a Citation (it comes with a $1000 fine) to a facility in the east district. It involved a long ride and was my first one so the supervisor had to go. She chose another newbie (the previously mentioned "Spackle Make-up Lady"). SML drove the state vehicle on the way out there even though I did not mind using my vehicle. I got to sit in the back and smell the natural gas until that tank ran out and we switched to regular gas. Both the super and SML put their seats back as far as they could, causing me to sit sideways. The physical discomfort was minimal to the rest though.

I think it started to get really bad after seeing the prisoner bus at the gas station. Super and SML felt so sorry for those men in shackles. Super's son was arrested and had spent time in jail because he was black........not because of the drugs found on his person. SML just could not understand how a friend's son could have gotten 12 years for armed robbery just because he approached a guy at an ATM saying give me that money and indicated that he had a gun when the guy tried to resist. They used some other directions and went off on an exit I had not used on my previous trip, when I mentioned this I was pretty much shot down. So we got to drive all over the fields while SML and Super talked smack about why anyone would chose to live out there, how stupid they must be, etc ad nauseum. Like, this is where lots of your food comes from and if these people did not feed you, you would be shit out of luck! So we have been driving for a while and cross a major road. I mention that we should turn here and get our bearings again, nope! Super is going on. I have already done the professional courtesy and called the facility to let them know we are going to be late. Meanwhile SML and Super are laughing about it being an adventure and I should enjoy it. NO! YOU DUMBASS BITCHES! It is not an adventure. We had a 1p appointment to serve a citation for a serious incident to the facility. The facility has to write their plan of correction at the time we serve it.

So eventually we get there and serve the citation. We go to lunch while they write the plan of correction. That means we have to go where the Super wants even if it is expensive. She does not know where it is of course and it takes us some time to get there cause they still won't stop for directions (I do interject that if we had taken my car we could have found it easily). We have a really long lunch and I drive the car now. We are approaching the turn to the facility and Super has to throw in "have you missed the turn", no you can't turn onto the street, you have to take the next one.

The ride home is equally nauseating because they want to stop at the casino with a state vehicle, I am driving now and remind them that we are in a state vehicle and there are people watching. The final big thing is when Super mentions that her daughter thinks all filipinos are stupid and lazy. SML throws in some smack and Super says, well maybe 95% are, not all of them. The best thing is that Super is a minister's wife and give so much of her time to her church, she has also mentioned her church gave her the Jaguar she drives (I wonder if the parishioners know that). SML also considers herself a very serious catholic. She goes by the rules and would not even do a u-turn in a clear area. I thought there were some rules in the church about how to treat your fellow man, I must have missed the one that said it is ok to look down your nose at people that are different from you.

I am sure that not all government offices are like this (otherwise I would be the same as SML and Super) but it has reinforced my belief that unionization is not really desirable because there is no getting rid of a bad employee. They run to the union and it is just too much work to get the out so the workplace becomes complacent. Inefficiency is accepted as the norm, efficiency is not desired. I don't do well with that cause I can't pretend to be something I am not.

Aging

2008-10-11T05:58:00.000-07:00

I did hit 52 last Sunday and I do feel the ravages of 52 years walking on these knees. I see my skin getting different colors and losing it's elasticity. But mostly it is about the dog.

Poor Sammie, being of the canine influence, is aging much faster than I. Once she started having white hairs around her face, t just got more and more pronounced. Of course dyeing is not an option and truthfully she is just not that vain! But as I rose at 6a on a Saturday morning after a fitful night, she lie there sound asleep. She has lost a lot of her hearing so that helps her sleep so well but I even turned on the light in this dark fall weather. Still nothing.

She is not as limber either and she has the hack/gag thing going on as well. My friend, Melissa, said her dog does the same thing. Her dog, Boo, just turned 14. Sam will turn 14 in January. We are steeling ourselves for the inevitable and while Melissa and her husband are already planning for a transitional dog, I am planning for a full on care giving break.

Sammie has meant so much to me over the years and we have developed a great relationship. I don't believe that you can just go out and replace this individual. Although Sam IS a dog, she has many personality traits that make her a special companion, a match for me as her "owner".

Unlike some people I have known over the years, I hope I will be able to recognize the time when Sammie should be released from this world, if she does not simply slip away in the night. The first thing I do when I wake up is to look over and see if she is still breathing because she does often sleep so deeply. The unconditional love she has given me through the years has so enriched my life. I never quite understand people who do not like animals, don't really trust or like them either. Even if a human does not chose to have a pet, dislike of an animal is a red flag for me in regards to character.

If wishes were horses....

2008-09-04T00:51:00.000-07:00

If wishes were horse then beggars would ride, that was one of my mother's favorite sayings. I wish I could sleep but I am into a double header for tis week.

As is typical for me, I have passed my final stress hurdle for a while, no more trips to Sacramento. Mom is settled in her new place and complaining freely about the food (all while eating numerous treats she keeps in her room). So, I caught a "cold". Saturday I was cautious and picked up some Zicam, Sunday I was unable to move my head without searing pain in my sinus'. I am hacking nicely now and a bit wheezy but overall feeling better. I am even going to the free concert on the Horn Blower Cruise tomorro...uh tonight with the Old 97's! But I think that two days of inhaler use has got my system a bit too cranked.

One of the women I started with at DPH uses inhalers daily. She is the "Princess" type, expensive taste in everything except what matters, spackle make-up and she knows everything. She "loads" her inhaler which is considered dangerous and not as effective. Seeing as how she is frequently symptomatic.......

But this wakefulness does give me a chance to look at bathroom vanities on line. I loved the one site that ( http://www.justvanities.com/ST18-S-and-SV1-M-C-and-SV17S-BAB2184.html ) had a refurbished "oil barrel" as a vanity.......like $2300 or so! Guess I should stick to Lowes and Home Depot! As innovative and daring as I consider myself, I am afraid that it did nothing for me but make me wonder about the folks who would pay so much for it.

lagging behind

2008-08-25T17:53:00.000-07:00

The summer has been wet and wild. This weekend marked the end of the training trips to Sacramento, thank you, thank you! Mom is firmly settled in her board and care and really seems to like it quite well. I have time with which I often do very little......it's nice.
Actually there is probably more food in the fridge than there has been in quite a while. I must prepare for the start of my new schedule, 4 ten hour days. Which means 11 hours cause the dumb state insists we do an hour for lunch. We are to be assigned complaints exclusively this month and next. Weird as complaints are really serious stuff and you are alone on a complaint. On survey you are with a group and have people to work with, care issues will arise but they are rarely severe.
So now I am just taking time to wake up the blog, wake up my "other" writing skills and avoid having all my writings sound like a deficiency statement!

2:56 A. M.

2008-07-25T02:56:00.000-07:00

Yeah, been up since about 2 A.M., typical restroom run and then the thoughts start running through my head. So much to do............

I am getting the master bedroom turned around from Grandma's space to a comfy, funky office/guest room/exercise room. So I started thinking about lighting, thinking about the new futon coming in this weekend (will I need to cover it up, will Sammie decide that she has a new bed? I purchased the new desk online so I am thinking about where I am going to re-arrange the other furnishings, will the desk come before I go to Sac again. EEEEEWWWWWWW!!!

Overall I have had a real restful sleep this week. Mostly due to full on exhaustion. The survey at the old Edgemoor was physically grueling. We walked outside so much I have tan lines from my new shoes. The shoes really were great for walking though and for that I am thankful. The true green, asbestos tiles on the floors of the used units shine, there are original from 1920. The red signs over the restrooms, a lady in a full petticoat enhanced dress and a gentleman in some sort of action pose designate the sexual preference. Solid wood shines under layers of lacquer around the windows, doors and hand rails. We saw the "new and improved" tiles and plastic handrails in the conference room where we were set up. In walking the grounds of Edgemoor I could not help but think that moving into the beautiful new building with it's new appointments was going to be a mistake.
Edgemoor is a county facility. One gentleman told me he had lived there for 27 years. I had heard horror stories about Edgemoor and walked by the place for years when I lived in Santee. It was such a different experience to be in there and view the lives of the residents. The ceramics teacher was so sweet, having worked there for some 20+ years himself his knowledge of the residents was impressive. His pride in being a part of Edgemoor was obvious as he bragged that even the dishwashers in the kitchen knew the names of the residents and the residents knew the staff as well. He also thought the new facility would be a mistake.
I suspect that we will have ample opportunity to view the new facility once they start moving folks in............there are things that no matter how hard they try (like bringing over the stain glass windows from the old chapel) they will not have that same feeling that exists at the current site. The gardener is transplanting some of the lovely and diverse plants and trees that have been fostered on the old site but the park like feeling will not be the same in the four separate atriums designed for use there.
And so it is with a heavy heart that we will say good bye to the old Edgemoor (the "barn" is actually tagged as a historical site and therefore protected). I would love to salvage the "Canteen" sign and maybe one of those fabulous bathroom markers!

Thankful for what I have

2008-07-02T03:29:00.000-07:00

This has absolutely been one of the most difficult times of my life. The stress of dealing with an elderly parent's care is great, especially when one is not wealthy. I have learned who my go to people are and some of it has surprised me.

My cousin in Vermont has been really so good about keeping in contact with me and not just to find out about how mom is doing but to find out how I am doing.

I have learned that some of my neighbors and co-workers are much more supportive than longtime friends. Weird about the co-workers as I have just started this job. We are mostly all women (one man in an office of 30). The majority is in our late 40's to 60's. We are all dealing with issues of elderly parents. Some have Alzheimer's or other forms of dementia. Some are physically challenged and others are just down right mean.

I know that I have not been the most fun person to be with at times. People want to keep their hands clean and their lives neat and dealing with life isn't always clean or neat.

I thank Pat Friedman for taking the time to drop in on mom once in a while. I thank Janet Flint for sending mom little cards and calling (and for making sure I am still surviving). I thank the sweet and wonderful family of David and Jen Moye, best neighbors and raising caring children who always ask "how's Mabel?" I thank the women of Licensing and Certification for supporting me and teaching me what is out there and what I can do for my mother.

I will even be more thankful if I could get a little more sleep tonight.

Moving Monday

2008-06-29T07:24:00.000-07:00

Monday is Mabel's move date. I am taking her desk down later today. I hope she likes the B&C but this is my mother and she enjoys complaining more than complimenting.

The pressure of dealing with all of this alone is so difficult. If any of my siblings were still alive Mabel would still be in Vermont. At least when I was a single parent I always knew that there was room for growth, as a single caretaking adult child of an elderly parent there is only anticipation of the next decline. My friends (and my mother) think that I am partying every day. Mom also thinks I am selling all of her stuff (it is to be donated to HomeFront San Diego after we have determined what she needs.....emphasis on NEEDS). She called last evening to tell me to have Pat look through her jewelry box to see if there was anything in there she might want, my mother hasn't bought new stuff in over 20 years. I already have the pearls my brother bought in Spain, they truly are quite beautiful. We aren't talking gold and precious jewels here..........

Thank goodness for the dog, she is good for stress relief.

Shallow

2008-06-09T22:18:00.000-07:00

I always remember thinking that people in SD were really sort of shallow as I would listen to these made up women talk about the guys they dated. What he drove for a car, how big his place was and such. No one seemed as interested in the little (big) things like taking out the trash, making dinner a couple nights a week.
It is rare to have any sort of relationship where you can really be yourself with that person, where you can get support even when you feel like you are the worst person on earth. People like the shallow end of the pool too well, no danger, easy movement out of reach.
Me, I am in the fuckin' deep end of the pool of life. I am treading water furiously. I don't mind the deep end when you can just float along but these days it's like 20 foot waves and rip currents grabbing at me. There is no life preserver in sight.

Push "START"

2008-06-06T12:02:00.000-07:00

Sort of like in the Prius where I just push the START button and the little gas sipper comes to life, so is my life.
I knew that taking the job with the State would signify a new phase. When Mabel had her issue with her elbow and managed to get admitted first to the Hospital and then to a nursing home I could not know how much my life was to change.
While in the hospital and home I have seen my mother nearly everyday. It is tiring, I have lists, I listen to complaints (although after my weekend talk with her I have heard very few complaints), I still do laundry but no longer "have" to cook. The room is ready at Casa del Sol, the Residential Care Facility for the Elderly (RCFE) where mom will hopefully live out her life. The home is in the Chula Vista area. Due to traffic and work I will now be visiting only on the weekends. Hopefully she will form bonds with the people there.
I even get to give up cat duty. It is just so much more gross to clean out that litter box then it is to pick up dog poop while walking. I imagine it is the fact that once the poop is picked up there is nothing remaining of that process. However, the cat litter is not just in the box, it is on the sink, it is on the floor, on the bed. Additionally the whole pooping thing takes place outside, the cat litter is inside and even with removal there is still that smell.......
My life is still in such a flux state I don't dare make too many long range plans. Next weekend will see me running off to Sacramento again, returning by way of Paso Robles (yeah, they aren't really close to each other but I CAN DO THIS NOW!! Dog sitting has always been easier to arrange than Mabel sitting. I can go out with my friends and I don't have to come home by a certain hours.

And sometimes the most pleasurable thing is just sitting in my peaceful house knowing that there is nothing I MUST do. Maybe I will get lonely but this isn't like that short period (5 months) of my life where my daughter moved out and mom moved in...... I am ready for this one. Pray my battery lasts a long time cause I want to relish this for quite a while.

A little morose, but not......

2008-05-24T19:11:00.000-07:00

I called to let H&M know I was back in town. Mary mentioned that another of her friends, Ethel's husband, had experienced a massive heart attack and that they were going to take him off the machines. He is not expected to make it. She mentioned that they have lost 3 close friends since the beginning of the year.
Mom has agreed to look into the Board and Care situation. I sopped the paper and Showtime today and will be looking for other money savings cause this is going to hurt.
Life's good times need to be cherished and enjoyed to their fullest when they present themselves. My 50th birthday, J&G's wedding, special times with friends, it is all so fleeting. Every bad day is worth getting through though for those good times, those times when you feel like there is nothing bad in the world, when you feel loved and appreciated beyond belief.

Life, death and everything in between

2008-05-17T16:34:00.000-07:00

Mom has decided that living out the rest of her life in the nursing home is NOT desirable so we are going to attempt to maintain her with a morning aide in the house. I am sure that more modifications are in store. I am pretty sure my life is coming to a screeching halt.

The BF of my upstairs neighbor was found this AM in the backseat of his SUV. He was no longer in the land of the living. Apparently he had been drinking heavily recently and it appears he may have simply passed out and passed away.......He had been in the car for more than 24 hours and it had been hot. Rigor Mortis sets in after three hours and typically lasts 72. Dude was really stiff and had been sitting up with his head back and his hands behind his head. It took a bit of technique to get him out of the vehicle. His GF did not seem devastated, more than likely d/t his being off the wagon, not working and all. She even went into the car to get or do something after his body was gone. Truthfully I am not even very excited to park there again until his vehicle is gone.

So I go on, getting ready for my Sac trip, monitoring mom's progress, taking care of the animals and trying to keep my head above water. This morning I went to the Blood Bank to do the Apheresis...I have lots of platelets so they love me.

Life and death is all we have. In life the roads we take are numerous. In Death there is but one road. There are no maps for any of the journeys we will take. The bible and other folklore and myths are someones idea of a guide book but the trip is best experienced on the personal level.

I miss my cat more....

2008-04-26T21:48:00.000-07:00

than my children. Yeah, she actually said that to the nurse at La Mesa Special Care as she was settling in. You would think that I would have developed a tougher hide by now. I know I am never going to make her truly happy but to actually say something like that.....course using the plural puts her male children in the same boat as us girls, not something that we have seen before.

The daily lists have begun, do this, bring me that. At home she can't make a decision about flavors of Hot Pocket's when asked, but put her in a nursing home and BAM! The boss has returned. My friends think this is a vacation for me.....not exactly. I have some freedom but those daily visits are excrutiating and angst ridden.

Both Pat and I cringed as mom talked about her roommate while we were all in the same room together, guess she thinks everyone is hard of hearing. I can't wait for my week in Sacramento!!

Life's a B--ch

2008-04-23T19:40:00.000-07:00

So right now my right foot is being cleaned by dog tongue........ that is the good part of the day. Mabel/Mom managed to get admitted to the hospital after our Saturday night ER visit. They have decided that she did not have osteomyelitis (I could see that from the start) and she does have "atrial fibrillation" but she not symptomatic with it. Giving her the standard Coumadin treatment would be more risk that benefit with her fall risk. So she has stayed in the hospital long enough to qualify for a Medidcare stay but does she have enough health issues?? Once there, can we get her on Medi-Cal so that her stay would be "till the end"? I highly doubt she will be able to maintain an independent mobility (modified as it is) even after some PT and truthfully I think she might be ready to just quit, it is always hard to tell. I spoke to the doctor today but not to the case manager, who is responsible for placement and discharge planning. I am sitting on pins and needles waiting for that, hoping for the best scenario.

Through all this I am also starting my new job with Licensing and Certification Department of the state of California. What great timing!! As if trying to plan for the care of your elderly parent is not enough stress, I need to learn all this new stuff and look forward to traveling to Sacramento one week a month for the next three months!

I am normally quite adept at change but this is a heavy load.

Grocery Shopping for Hot Pockets......

2008-04-18T18:05:00.000-07:00

For me a Saturday Morning trip to Trader Joe's is really great. I peruse the shelves and make some decisions about what I want to eat for the week. The selections are very nice and allow me to create delicious meals with ease.

But grocery shopping is simply not a simple task. It is laced with strife and anxiety as I seek out the perfect sized bananas, not too green, not too ripe, not too big. You see I have power to make the grocery stores carry exactly the size and color banana that Mabel wants. Today's list has directions on the size of the box of "Hot Pockets"......not what variety she might like.....pepperoni pizza? Chicken and Broccoli?? Maybe some ham and cheese?? I am almost sure that beef varieties have been shot down previously with the multiple underlining of NO BEEF! So I tell her she will get what ever size box they have but it would be more helpful to know what varieties she likes best, she goes on again about the damn size of the box!!

I know she still hates me for telling her to stop washing the dishes but I am happier having a cleaner kitchen and less scratches all over my cabinets. It's not like she is ever going to treat me like one of her precious sons. My sister, Joan, and I were always just below regard. Now I am the only one left, she is stuck with me, and I with her.

The Sun

2008-04-14T08:54:00.000-07:00

There is enough written information on the sun, the worship of the sun, the effects of the sun, etc, etc, into infinity. Still, with all we know of it, it can stop you in your steps when it highlights the beauty that exists in this world.

Most of life's most poignant moments are never captured on film, some are impossible to view that way, they must remain in the minds eye. As I entered the shadowy area of the park today I glanced down and saw the way this light and delicate grass shone in the sun that was coming through spaces in the trees. It was like silver tear drops waving softly, so ethereal. As my gaze wandered up, the tiny insects caught the rays, sparkling for a moment or two like their lightning bug cousins back east. They danced through fine, yet strong as steel threads of spider strings, not webs, just the long strings they use to get from one tree or bush to the next. They shone and undulated, catching and losing the glow from the sun intermittently.

It is no wonder so many have worshiped the sun over the years, without it the world is a cold and drab place.

on a roll......

2008-03-29T18:46:00.000-07:00

Mabel must simply be in one of those moods cause she has definitely got the "find fault with everything" thought process going. She came out for dinner tonight and made a comment about the floors looking good (I had cleaned and sealed the stained concrete). Of course this was quickly followed up with a comment of "I hope they aren't slippery". She wanted to know if I used the sealer on the tile, duh...not necessary. She continued to mumble about it and I told her if she knew of any better floor material she could pay for it and have installed. She goes further into tantrum stage and I do not give a flying fuck!!
She rarely says when she likes something, she does not plan any meal...ever. But she is good at giving me a fucking grocery list with things like; mini ritz--NOT ritz mix, or SMALL bananas. Duh! Like I can force Trader Joe's to unload only the 5 inch bananas?? Not to mention when she wants something that is not carried in the half dozen stores I may frequent. I know that I can go to Longs in Grossmont Center to get 8 hour Tylenol, cause Mabel does not use Target brand, she does not want the extra strength Tylenol, she wants the 8 hour Tylenol. I cannot tell you how many stores I went to trying to find those things......
I often worry that I will die before her and never see the light of freedom. Sometimes I worry that I will lose my grip on reality and chop her up into small pieces and bury her somewhere in the desert, not the backyard, way too close.
Catharsis, I could do a whole stand up routine on Mabel issues.

Still on hold.......

2008-03-28T10:24:00.000-07:00

Mabel's 92nd birthday will soon be upon us. She is definitely showing more signs of being 2 more than 92. She has always had the childish, little girl thing. She firmly believes she should be the center of attention, people should call her, life should go the way she wants. She thinks that because a male neighbor talks to her that he is flirting.
I accept that my mother is handicapped and that means there are certain modifications we must make and certain "wear and tear" that cannot be avoided. My kitchen is a great example of modification. My kitchen table is a great example of wear and tear. I asked her to not do dishes, just leave them in the sink. See she does them either by standing at the sink leaning with her walker in front of her or in the w/c. Both ways result in scratched cabinets and drizzles of water and dirt all over the cabinets and the floor not to mention still dirty dishes. So she pouts (not a little either) and leaves her dirty stuff on the table through both early meals. Today as she and the shower girl get ready for her shower she waits until she is crossing the hall to my bathroom (which I paid $6000 to renovate to make things easier for her) she tells Janet (loudly) how she cannot do dishes anymore because she is damaging my cabinets (I can't or simply do not want to remember word for word, it was not said nicely). I also asked Mabel to participate in a PT program again to help maintain or re-gain some strength, she refuses to do so.
Some folks asked me why I call her Mabel. She hasn't been my "mom" since I was small enough to form my own opinions. She likes to treat me more like hired help, or even a slave. She leaves a couple of containers of dried fruit on the table for several days but does not state she wants them filled, I should just know and DO IT! When she naps in the afternoon I can almost pretend I live alone but then there is the clink of the walker and the illusion is shattered.
This week has been the "vacationing in SD" week and it has been fun. What would be even better would be if I could, at the drop of a hat, take a 3 day cruise to Mexico or a weekend to Solvang.

Remodeling

2008-02-23T13:40:00.001-08:00

The process is difficult but the end result is awesome......

Christian Values.....

2008-02-17T23:47:00.000-08:00

The endocrine doc I work with was sitting there talking about a bunch of stuff tonight and we got going on this topic which is a constant thorn and was recently highlighted during a discussion with a co-worker.

He mentioned that he just hated it when people go off on the "I'm a Christian" thing, like it makes them better, more forgiven. The female co-worker (who yaks up Christian philosophy and music and all that on a regular basis) had mentioned the night before that she was very excited about her daughter having her ex-BF over(sleep and sex on the agenda) . He is "with"another woman and has had at least 2 children with these 2 girls. She considers him a great friend and mentioned that he told his current GF (not her daughter) that he would only want to have a baby girl with the co-worker's daughter, not the GF. Just why any woman would put up with that crap is bad enough but to be excited about your daughter being treated that way and tout your life as Christian is way beyond my level of understanding.

I am NOT a Christian. I believe our world and all life is sacred. I believe we should worship and care for the earth and praise every sunrise and every drop of rain. I believe we should mourn cruelty and ignorance. We should all do our best to make any one person happier today, make our little space cleaner or prettier, be kind to our world. When I walk my dog in the morning I am blown away by the beauty of a tree, the energy of a new puppy or the smile of a stranger. I want to always feel that wonder at what the next moment might bring..........

New Year, New Job??

2008-01-06T22:26:00.000-08:00

The state of California moves at breakneck speed (if you are say a snail or slower animal). After doing the "test" and application in February of 2007 I finally had an interview in November and was offered a job tentative on completion of a physical this past Friday. Now it is.... get the physical done now cause the first week of Academy is the 3rd week of February, 2008!
This job is all about the benefits.....13 paid holidays, weekends off, travel accounts, pension and medical insurance.

I will miss some people from my current job but the revolving door of mental health is a sad situation which I will not miss. I was talking about it with one of the nurses today. She mentioned having had an addiction after a car accident and major depression. She said that the people around her, including a person answering the crisis line really did not allow her to wallow in self pity. The crisis line person told her that if she was really going to kill herself she should just do it!
The night before I had done the medical clearance on a woman who came in because she was depressed. Due to the fact that she drinks 24 beers a day I discussed detox with her. "I'm not here to detox". Her friends think she is suicidal...duh! She already has cirrhosis and her 20 y/o son stays home to care for her. But don't blame her cause her mom taught her to drink at 9. She also stated she does not abuse her Norco....funny but if you get 120 pills on 12/31/07 and on 1/5/08 there is 43 pills left in the bottle then I think there is something wrong!! I had some pretty shitty things happen to me as a kid, I had my teen drinking binge but I never stayed there.
CMH called the hospital to gather info on 2 patients who were there w/o insurance. One guy had been discharged from Grossmont Mental Health on the same day he got admitted to us. They asked me to get consent for his old records from GMH. He got real nervous and started to talk about how bad he feels going to all these hospitals without insurance, do I think his doctor will be sympathetic. You see they all know that if you walk into an emergency room or any medical facility and say... "I'm going to kill myself", "I'm going to walk into traffic", etc., ad nauseum, that you will be put on a hold and be brought to a warm hospital and receive 3 meals, snacks, coffee and free cigarettes.
We are sorely lacking in the states when it comes to dealing with mental health issues. "Poor Pitiful Me" (also known as Malingering) should be a ICD9 diagnosis cause that is what most of the people I see are suffering from!

For a Change...

2007-12-30T19:26:00.000-08:00

That is Mabel's newest thing lately...."well that was a really nice dinner, for a change". Like a change from WHAT?? Does she get slop on a regular basis?? I know people who would give their right arm to live and eat here. She had her turkey dinner for the holiday, including homemade gravy. Left over turkey was divided into a broth based soup and a tomato based soup, plus she had some creamy roasted veggie soup, not to mention ground turkey sandwiches (2) and Pasta with broccoli, turkey and Alfredo sauce. We also had a fish dish or two in there and Chicken and dumplings. Today she had artichoke ravioli with a pureed veggie/tomato sauce (great way to bulk up your tomato sauce and get extra veggies into fussy folks).
Let me add that I am sick as I can be a still not be hospitalized. I am wheezing and coughing so hard I can barely move. At night I have horrendous sweats, chills and basically am driving the dog to distraction. My sinus hurts and my ears are ringing. Yet I dragged my ass to the store this morning and managed to cook a few dishes today so Mabel would have her foods.
She is lucky her head is still attached. I am considering putting her in her wheelchair and leaving her on a street corner with the following sign:

Will keep my mouth shut and appreciate my good fortune "for a change".

PS; just a reminder that Mabel NEVER gives any input that would indicate what she would like.

Not Your Mama's Green Bean Casserole

2007-12-22T12:58:00.000-08:00

Not into amounts here just the basic idea:
Couple packages of fresh green (or mixed) beans- steamed
Crimini Mushrooms, at least one standard package, sliced
Spicy Pecan Vinegar (here in San Diego you can get it at Great News in PB)
Oil
1/2 thinly sliced onion
1/2 cup flour, salt and pepper to taste, garlic powder to taste

Heat some canola or other healthy frying oil in a pan, just 1/2 inch or so. Mix the flour and seasonings and toss with the thinly sliced onions. When the oil hits 375 (or a little fleck of flour sizzles) place the onions (shake off the excess flour) into the oil, don't overcrowd the pan. Remove when golden to a paper towel to suck off more oil. The onions are thin so don't get the oil too hot or turn your back, they will cook fast.

Next, I saute the mushrooms in olive/and or a nutty or truffle flavored oil, salt and pepper at end of saute when most of fluid has gone away. Splash about 1-2 tblsp of the vinegar and continue to saute till the mushrooms are browned and most of the liquid is gone. Toss with the steamed green beans. I did have some wonderful black truffle cream that I added (1Tbsp) to the dish at this time. I brought mine home from Italy but you could probably find it at a gourmet store as well.

Place in a pretty shallow serving dish and top with the onion rings. Definitely NOT your mama's Green Bean Casserole!

Long Time

2007-12-03T12:25:00.001-08:00

Wow, November went by without a whisper! I was busy with MD visits and all. I did not have to deal with Thanksgiving as I was working. I like my job, I love my 2 mile commute and all that. I am now sitting here waiting to see if I get a job with the State. Part of me would like to delay it for 6 months, take my vacation while working at API. Another chance will come up and I can re-take the "exam" in February and improve my score.
I have just had a frustrating encounter with my mother. She is in super whiny mode today. She continues to fail to communicate with me in a constructive manner. Someone asked me recently how she was when she was younger. She was a great communicator then, screamer is more like it. She would stand in the kitchen and scream for my father to fix, do, take care of something. She never had a difficult time telling us kids (mostly just me by that time) what to do and how to do it (folding towels comes to mind, not to mention other cleaning tasks). You simply did it "Mabel's Way", nothing else was acceptable.
The encounter started when I called her to lunch ( always get it on the table by noon so why I have to "fetch" her I don't understand). I had purchased a rolling cart to put stuff from the pantry on so she could reach it more easily. I told her it was an early Christmas gift, instead of "Thank You", or "How nice" I got the old, "I don't know if I'll be here by then" (I'm sure that has crossed her lips more than 1000 times since moving in with me ELEVEN YEARS ago!!). She thinks she is going to die cause sometimes her vision is bad....hmmmm, maybe she should go for the cataract surgery that the one eye doc recommended. Now one thing is usually not enough so we also got a lovely psychosomatic fable that the small cut she received on her head from a fall over a year ago is morphing into some deadly growth???? Truthfully the sci-fi status of this complaint befuddles my brain. As usual she wants me to look at it, there is nothing there. Funny but she quit complaining of her scalp itching when she quit perming her hair...hmmmm!
I can't believe that she is so frightened of death. Most folks I know are really ready to call it quits by the time they get to this stage. They are accepting it. She prays and lights her candles but yet she has a severe fear of death. I am sure if she had to go to the hospital she would tell them, once more, to do everything possible to keep her alive. I am not ready to die but I know it is inevitable. It is inevitable that she will have another fall, maybe it will be one where she finally sustains a significant injury, something she has avoided in her old age. I hope I can meet these challenges with courage and acceptance.

Sherman's March....

2007-10-23T12:07:00.000-07:00

I mentioned this morning that this is what it feels like to live in San Diego County this week. First there was the Harris fire. It was tucked in the low edge of the east county , down near the border. Sunday and Monday it was slow, not so threatening although the first life lost was there.
The second fire was Witch Creek, a little north and East of the town of Ramona. On Sunday it was just a toddler, by Tuesday it would reach 165,000 acres, over 500 homes left in ash, 250-300 damaged, commercial losses over 100 units.
As with the Atlanta population and Sherman, Californians fled, over 320,000 people evacuated, nearly 8,000 people sleeping in the stadium, thousands more strewn about the county in churches, schools and the fair grounds. Evacuations centers listed as animal friendly.....large animals, small animals. What do you choose to take with you??? What is your life outlined by?
My mother, in her eternal wisdom, has the "someone isn't doing their job" concept going. I can not deal with that attitude. The winds in town have been gentle compared to what is out there, reporters are nearly knocked on their asses, flames shoot sideways and ash flies for 1/2 mile or more before tucking under the eaves of the next home to go down or the bed of dried pine needles.
Today many people are being allowed to go home, 1000's will have nothing to pick up but a few broken dishes or tarnished metal. I was there when my friend Noreen returned to her home after the Cedar Fire, that is all we saw.
This is the view from my back yard as the Harris fire creeps into Spring Valley. There are mountains of dried pine needles back there from the winds we had in the city. We are getting help from all over the country and the weather is less windy though still dry and hot. I am lucky to be where I am, I know that there is enough between me and those fires that are creating that smoke bank to keep me safe. I sent my $$ to the Red Cross. The true numbers of acreage and homes loss will not be known completely for some time, we will rebuild though, and hopefully learn some lessons from this.
But maybe not....2 smaller fires were started from morons who threw cigarette butts out their car window.

Never enough

2007-10-17T13:15:00.000-07:00

I try so hard to make my mother's life good. She resides in the master bedroom. I cook her awesome meals. I clean, shop, everything. She has the kitchen totally arranged to meet her needs; microwave on the table along with 2 small bottle of water, banana bowl, medications, individual coffee mates, sugar and dried fruit, as well as her high intensity lamp. I don't sit in the kitchen. I would like to but I can't, the wheel chair is not my idea of a kitchen seat.

Recently her difficulty at getting up from the wheel chair had led to many complaints about the floor being too slippery. She can't ever admit to the fact that she is weak, that she wears inappropriate footwear. So after some heavy thinking I came up with the idea of using the spray adhesive to glue patches of inner tube to the front soles of her slippers ( remember this one style of slippers is all she will wear). She wore them right away but did not really give me any feedback. Then today she is like, "do you have some more inner tube that I can put onto another pair of slippers?" Like she could do this job......yeah right. She knows she can't do it but she will not ask me outright. "when you change the cat litter make sure you take the empty bag out" or to the grandparents on Sunday, "I never go anywhere except my foot doctor" ( I am still being punished for not taking her to lunch that day because I was fucking SICK!)

I think she wants something as she was asking me what my schedule was for next week. She can't just tell me what she needs, that would be too easy. I am sure the cold weather complaints will start soon as she lounges about in her silky, sleeveless nighty and her threadbare bathrobe. The bathrobe was purchased for her by my brother before he died so it has taken on the honor associated with things such as the Holy Grail. We have bought many robes since but none ever satisfy her and once the green ghost is cleaned it is back on her, even though it is thin as can be thereby allowing for complaint of cold if the temperature in her room is below 78-80.

As she walked past me after her lunch I had the scissors in my hand, ready to start the slipper repair and I wondered how I would do in jail...........

Winning the Lottery

2007-10-08T23:57:00.001-07:00

There was some birthday card-saying-thing recently that basically said "if your dreams are small they will be granted". I dream of winning the Lotto and fantasize about what I would do with all that money but truthfully I know that it will never happen to me. But in keeping with the small things concept I believe that my life has become the jackpot.
I had a great time with my 4 closest friends on Friday night (actual birthday). Then I had more folks over on Saturday. I feel so wonderful inside when everyone is in my house, kicking back, talking and talking (and eating and eating....). Watching the love and relationships that exist is so wonderful and fulfilling. On Sunday the grandparents were here and had fun although Mabel did cause some stress it was not the focal point.
Tonight I went back to work at API and was presented with an Ice Cream Cake, sung Happy Birthday to and received a stunning Orchid all dressed in a lovely pot. Everyone signed the card and my supervisor made me a very personal gift (a laniard is a break-away beaded chain to hang your badge on). I have worked there for 4 months and this was way more than I had expected.
I would love to be skinny and in perfect health, but that is probably just a bit more attainable than the Lotto. I have a dog who loves me unconditionally, people respect and care for me at work. I have friends who will babysit the old girl so I can take trips. I have a daughter and a son-in-law who are intelligent and self supporting and kind. I have a home that is warm and comforting and has "me" in every (almost every) room. I guess on the grand scheme of things I am pretty much a winner, blessed, fortunate. Whatever word you would want to use, it all seems to result in contentment.

One more year...

2007-10-07T14:22:00.000-07:00

Yeah, 51 of them total. They go by so fast and this year there have been so many changes, things that I thought were stable. The new job has been awesome for my current life situation. I feel like I can be here for mom and still have some personal time and I get paid well. I will eventually want a job with weekends and evenings off, holidays cause family and friends do come first.
When Mom talks about some friend of hers that is 95 I cringe. She loses more and more of her abilities everyday and she will not do Physical Therapy. She refuses to participate in effective pain control. I told her today that I hoped I would age better than she does, she thinks it is just about the physical stuff but for her it is communication, or lack of it. She has no idea about others health and focuses only on her own, she has always been that way.
Having been told by the audiologist that mom's hearing is not as bad as she makes it seem I wonder what the motivation is for sitting there and ignoring me when I tell her things. These days it is either that or pure forgetfulness. I tell her about plans for the weekend and then she acts all surprised when my friends show up. When Hank and Mary came over mom could only complain about the slippery floors and the brakes and wheels on the w/c, she can't say that the problem is with her, with her insistence on a certain type of useless slipper and the unwillingness to try something else. She can't admit that she should be doing PT or that just maybe we should be looking at other options for her living arrangements (I would most likely have to look for that second job...).
Last night the little girl next door came over and she spent time in with Mabel, she actually likes hanging around and talking to her. Mom was doing her side door complaints about Alex being so talkative, "wound up", "she talks so softly". Pat and Dara both did their duty with her, Melissa said she had had enough when she got her the tea and did not do any visit last night. It is a sad life, one I hope to avoid. I hope that I can say to someone....my cataracts are getting bad I can't tell what color that is (today it was... look how faded the trunk is, that section of the trunk was against the wall, not exposed to sunlight..maybe it's your vision mom). I want to control my pain and not have it be the centerpiece of conversation. I want to make people smile and I want them to want to see me, not avoid me.
Overall it was a nice birthday and I should be so very happy that I have just one source major stress but it is a large pile.........

Mexican Masacre

2007-10-01T19:04:00.001-07:00

It was terrible! Such carnage!
Actually it was fabulous, Enchiladas Del Mar and a lovely Margarita (not pizza)! Sitting in the open air on a lovely California day, I was more than a little relaxed. Such a terrible way to spend a Monday off.......

Happy Days

2007-10-01T18:56:00.001-07:00

Well this was my buddy for an hour today. I totally enjoy going to Grossmont just to kick around. You leave your license and a credit card at the desk and they give you some cute furry little creature to play with for an hour. This guy will grow to about 30# and does not shed, he did love to chew and sniff though!

How much is too much??

2007-09-18T19:41:00.000-07:00

How much IS too much?? Somethings can be easily measured; eating a half gallon carton of ice cream at one sitting is definitely too much. Staying in the sun until you are blistered and peeling is too much. But relaxation??? Does it become counter productive or does it increase productivity?

When I was in Italy last year without a pager/cell, being chauffeured about, meals to please, I was VERY relaxed. I did not think that this would be possible on this side and living with Mabel but I do feel like I am living a really good life right now. Last night I was out to Thai food with my friends, tonight we have had wine and cheese at the Hillcrest Wine Steals (Italian wines at that). Maybe it is all that Italian fermentation but I feel so good! Not only that, but I have an appointment for a facial this weekend. I never treat myself like this!! I suddenly realize that I deserve it! I work with people who say "Thanks Deb" and really appreciate my work ethic so I think it just overflows into my own sense of self worth (I have never been shy or one to hide the fact that I have a natural instinct/smarts but to have it appreciated is beyond great!!)

insert^ BIG HUGE SIGH!^

Debbie's Day Off......

2007-09-12T17:10:00.000-07:00

I love this. Working a standard hospital shift (one day off during the week and every other w/e) plus working the PM shift has simply opened up my life for ME! Not all my friends like it cause they go "what's your day off? We want to....." I'm good with missing the occaisonal group outing, I don't feel left out. The fact that I no longer have to take my w/e off to prepare for the workweek has made me a new woman.
We started the morning with a ride to Fiesta Island...soon to be a thing of the past. The Island is going the way of most beach front property....develop, develop and develop. Dogs will no longer be allowed, parking lots will be paved and commercialism will reign. PB is not very dog friendly anyway, not like OB and La Mesa. Sammie was so happy to be there, she went right into the water without even a concern that it was moving! She tried to play with some new friends but they were a tad younger. Still, Hide and Seek can be played successfully if you are cunning enough.
I came home and put Mom's lunch together, did the dishes and showered. Then I took myself out to see the "Nanny Diaries", very cute movie but I am very excited about Jodie Foster's upcoming movie and hope to get there Monday. After the movie I went to the pet store and signed in to walk..."Killer". Yeah, he really tried to kill my shoe and my purse. He sprawled on the grass and I believe he was trying to hump my arm at one point. He is on sale, under $500. He is not your typical "cute puppy" and a bit hyper, so his uniqueness is missed by people. He definitely will require a patient owner. The puppies there do look pretty healthy and I think the outdoor time they get with people is a positive impact for them.
Now I will chill out for the rest of my day, mom will be getting up soon and have her dinner and then back to her cave. I hear those shrimp calling my name.........

Sundays and more.....

2007-09-09T14:18:00.000-07:00

Patience is a virtue they say (not sure who THEY are but I love old sayings) This is a patient girl. She knows that she will eventually be getting some of what Hank is working on. Mary sets up a treat bowl so that Sammie doesn't suffer during the 5-10 minutes of "waiting".
We talk about everything during Sunday bfast. Hank and Mary are of the mindset that when ones pet dies, you automatically replace it. I mean, would they replace Joyce?? Would I replace Jessica? I would not dream of replacing Sammie just because she passes away. She is a unique being. I am also anxious to be at a less encumbered time of my life (at times overly so). I can go nowhere without obtaining a "babysitter"and making meals ahead, etc. Even at that there is the whining and negative comments before I leave and when I come back. I long for freedom, for now it comes in little things like bfast at H&Ms or shopping and dinner with Pat and the girls.

Hell

2007-09-03T16:43:00.000-07:00

That is where I am living right now! For the past 3 days it has been 99-100 when I got into the Prius to go to work, 79-81 when I come home just before midnight. Today though was truly wicked. We are not talking the dry heat (humidity in the single digits) of Fresno or the desert....we are talking 35-45% humidity. Today was a balmy 108 per the weather service, 110 on the back patio in the shade!! I did get laundry done but Sam never made it to the park today cause it was already roasting by the time I got up.

Hopefully it will drop about 20 degrees by late week.......I am truly melting!!!

Long Walks and Gas

2007-08-28T12:21:00.000-07:00

Actually it is two subjects and not what you think. I was at the park this morning and this woman said, "you walk so far..."?! I am like it is less than 1/2 mile to the park, when we get there we goof off and might even just sit and watch nature (more so since I work PMs). It is odd to think that people think it is a big deal to walk 1/2-1 mile for nothing.....I don't get it. When Sam and I were both younger we might walk 4-6 miles at a time. Americans are truly lazy and getting lazier all the time.

The second part does have a connection to the first and that is gasoline. When I had the Sport Trac I would need 18-22 gallons of gas 2x week and I thought nothing of it. Then I got the Prius and I would get gas one every 7-10 days and just less than 10 gallons. Now I work just a bit over 2 miles from home and go to a gym that is either 2-3 miles from my house and a few other fun trips. Now I get gas every 3 weeks, still just 9-10 gallons. Helix High kids go to the gym that is a half mile walk from my house but when school is out I like to go there. If it were a Traders instead of Vons close to my house then I would never drive to the grocery store, just walk with my little push cart.....

Now some days my knees scream but overall I think it is good for them to exercise and as soon as my insurance kicks back in I am getting new films and running off to the Ortho to see if we can do something less than a total replacement. But every day that I can get up and walk and take care of my own life, it is a good day.

Time for lunch!

outside looking in....

2007-08-22T11:11:00.000-07:00

I love to watch people. It makes me a more observant person overall and I am trying to learn to be more open and accepting. When "people watching" it is important to remember you are seeing something that could represent that person's life, their fears, their dreams.
I am engaged at the park these mornings as I watch this mexican gentleman come with his children. They come early for school, parking their van in the lot at the bottom of the park. The 3 boys fall out of the van immediately. Dad gets out slower. The kids are running up the hill speaking in English to each other and Spanish to their dad. They always go into the ladies side of the restrooms with their toothbrushes and paste in hand. There is laughter and tapping of the plastic brushes against the sink., they exit the bathroom spitting the foamy residue on the sidewalk to see what "designs" they come up with!
Who is this dad? These kids are happy, obviously they take care of their teeth...... why do they come to the park before school for this? Are they homeless? Are they illegal? Does the mother work nights and dad is just getting them out so she can sleep?
In the hospital I see people who should have had everything in life, yet a tip into the bottle or the drug store is devastating to them. They lose everything, family, home, health.
Seeing clips of peoples lives tells you little, we can never understand what it is like to live that person's life. We can never know what devils chase them, we can never know why they are where they are at that moment we see them. We can only guide our own lives, support our own dreams, fight our own battles.

Garlic Cooker

2007-08-18T13:28:00.001-07:00

I don't usually buy something for one task but this was a great idea and I do love garlic! However I have learned that this little darling is quite useful for roasting other veggies without turning on a big oven, good for one or two people, not a family though.
Today I diced up a small Japanese eggplant, shallots, seasoned with a spicy herb mix, garlic powder, s/p and oil. You put it in the cooker and push the button and leave it for about 26 minutes.
I smeared the cooked mixture in a tortilla, topped with cheese, cilantro and diced heirloom tomato. Fold the tortilla and brush with oil (I used a flavored oil for more punch) and place in a hot grill pan, regular pan, flip and enjoy. Yummy!!!

Real Fun!!

2007-08-18T13:21:00.000-07:00

It is so much fun to get paid every other week! And to get really reasonable money for what I do! Today I slid $1000 into my savings...not something that I have done other than after my income tax return comes in.
Not only that, I already have a week's vacation time on the books at API!! As soon as September 1 hits and I know that I do not need to pay for COBRA I will be one very happy camper!! You see I stocked up on my meds and I have such a good relationship with a pharmacist that I could easily trade him a tray of Pecan Pie Bars for some Levoxyl, Benicar or Lipitor!! All I need to do is avoid injury!
Yee Ha!

Contentment

2007-08-15T16:22:00.000-07:00

This is something that I realize, more and more as I age, is not an easy thing to achieve. I care for the mentally ill in my current job. I see people who have gone all out for their goals, things that they thought would make them happy. They've had gastric bypass, plastic surgery, hair implants and make-up or hair color. They try to find themselves in an image. Others may be the overachiever, constantly on the go, always improving. Some are happy as they are, impairments and all, like the developmentally disabled that I have served in the past.
Are the people going to school, carrying large and worrisome loans, working OT or 2 jobs to make ends meet, are they content? When that 55 year old attorney looks at herself in the mirror and sees that the creases are returning and her make-up is caked in them, is she content? Some of them cover their emotions in chemical dependency, some are CD because it was what they know, parents, significant others. We had one this month who had the bypass surgery but definitely was not maintaining her weight loss, her husband was leaving her and she was in for detoxification, detox. She had an old back injury and had become quite used to opiate pain relief, muscle relaxants and alcohol. Through her detox she asked for pain meds, cajoling and needling the doctors and nurses for more, more all the time more. They finally discharged her after stopping the detox and referred her back to the pain clinic. She died less than a week later from an overdose of pain killers mixed with some alcohol. She had tried so many ways to make her life something more, to gain contentment. Should we have known how depressed she was? They say it was accidental, no note or anything.
I think contentment is not something you have every day, I think it is moments, periods of time and events that give us contentment. In the mornings when I walk the dog and listen to the birds and smell the grass, I am content. When I have friends over and they are having fun, eating and enjoying my food, I am content. When I have had a good night at work, clean the house or take a picture that comes out just like I wanted, I am content.
I have those wild and crazy dreams.....winning the Lotto, looking at nice houses that I can't afford. But those are "wild and crazy" things, not real life and I know that. I can day dream and then return to real life and real life expectations. My needs are met, I have great friends, fabulous family, I have a lovely home and a rewarding job. I have contentment.

Living Life

2007-08-03T09:29:00.000-07:00

Last night we had our Going Away Party from the consumers and staff at the Beach homes. They were told at the last minute by the Administration that they could not hold the party on grounds. So we took the party to the Bay. Arc tries to choke life from individuals at every turn but the consumers are determined to win out. The love they give is unconditional and uncontrollable.

I feel for those left behind, unmotivated to look for better employment, dedicated to the consumers they serve....whatever the reason some will stay through poor treatment and substandard pay hoping they are making the guys lives better.

My life is already better. I sleep so well, I get more exercise and quality relax time. I do things for myself, I have time for myself. Life is good......it could get better if someone would shoot the neighbors noisy bird though!!

The New Life

2007-07-28T16:36:00.000-07:00

Wow! It is quite unbelievable that I do not need to spend my whole day off cooking!! I actually had an incredible day. It started with a facial by Andrea at the Avia Salon and Day Spa. Andrea's facial would be enough for me any day, she is that good! But I had already booked a massage as well. The massage was very nice but after the facial, it lost some impact. How often should one have a facial???

I barely got to the movie in time, Pat had already gone in. "No Reservations" was sweet, tearful, hopeful and funny. It tied in most of my life issues, we had a psychiatrist, a chef, single motherhood and controlling woman. A Seafood Chimichanga and a Margarita at Casa Di Pico and some shopping made for a lovely day. I even found a nice comfortable black sandal. Mom is still napping so the house is peaceful and the A/C is on, I could nap but that just seems too decadent!

In another week or so I will learn to wallow in decadence like an afternoon nap or goofing off for a whole day. If I did not have Mom I would probably even leave my phone at home, or off for a few hours......or more! Life is sweet indeed!!

The Days After....

2007-07-24T10:14:00.000-07:00

Actually we have 2 days now, 2 days after leaving Arc. I had seen it in many of my friends when they left, a lightness, an inner glow. I have that now and it is wonderful!!

My first day was sort of a "have to" day, I HAVE TO get my oil changed, I HAVE TO get some other scrubs, I HAVE TO get gas. All things that seem simple but when working 2 jobs are very hard to accomplish.

Today is more of an "aaahhhh!" day. I walked the dog and did the cat litter (let's face it there are some things that can't be avoided) then I went to the gym!!! Wow! I am out of shape! I kept it simple, little bike, little lower body weights. Small Jamba "all fruit" drink after. Home for laundry (after all I have not yet won the lotto!). Now I sit here having time to write and listening to Sarah M and friends on the stereo, daytime TV sucks and I really don't think I want to pay for DVR so TV has really gone way down on the activity list. Funny cause when I worked days I just let the TV suck me in at night......All the better to work PMs. I will meet my friend, Ellis, for lunch and shop a little (I can't say what it is but I just feel better about myself and I want to look really good when I see the girls tonight). Tonight will be Wine Steals in Point Loma with my very good friends!! Melissa is driving my ass!!

So is there life after Arc?? Wow! Is there ever!! I am so relaxed, I will need to keep Mabel around for a while just so I can have some stress in my life!!

Time and Freedom

2007-07-20T23:51:00.000-07:00

Well the Admin at the lovely Arc did one of their "kick in the pants" routines. My boss pretended to want to learn about stuff in my office and sat right next to me while I walked her through things. She then told me how she understood how difficult things have been for me and told me I was being paid till the 27th but that my services would not be required as the new Nurse Administrator would be starting on Monday. So as of 10a on Friday July 20th I am an ex-Arcer!!!

Now I don't know how they got this person cleared so fast cause it took a while for the nurse I just hired. The thing is next week was going to be a bear, covering 5 homes and psych rounds while working full-time at API. So now it is all someone else's problem. My ex-boss told someone that she wasn't sure that the new nurse would be there for the psych rounds. If there is no nurse to do the beach homes then I think our psychiatrist will certainly quit, very sad for our consumers. And for this woman to come in and start-up cold?! Consumer care is definitely going to suffer.

Mom is happy and the other ex-Arcers are ecstatic that I have joined the "unburdened"!! Hot damn! I can sleep in or go to the gym or do nothing Monday morning and every morning! And my new job is cool, and the people are really nice, what a change.

I want my ice to be 5mm x 9mm, please!

2007-07-15T19:05:00.000-07:00

Yes Mabel has dictated that I need to not fill the ice trays so much cause she wants smaller cubes of ice.......
This is on top of packaged meals, soups, repackaging 4bean salad and ice cream into single serving cups (not together mind you!), on top of the microwave on the table, utensils and dishes in a special counter top storage, individual CoffeeMates, individual fruit cup (fresh fruit not Del Monte).
I have no time for a life but I picked up Chilis ribs today and ran away to the movies!! Mabel, of course, want to go to the foot doctor on Thursday...Now I have told her that my last day at Arc has been moved up to July 27th so why she is expecting to go before that I cannot imagine. I told her she was going to wait until after that, "well I guess so, they aren't too bad yet...."
I have 10 days of my old job to go and have already made an appointment for a facial and Massage at the Spa for the day after my last Arc day!! It's my damn turn!!!!

For love.....

2007-07-08T12:03:00.000-07:00

I will obviously put up with a lot for love. I did this yesterday and still needed to get a small mouse with the sweeper.....

Contrasts

2007-07-05T21:48:00.000-07:00

Life is full of contrasts; at work (for either job) I am respected and looked to for guidance, people have respect for me and my opinion. At home my mother thinks I can't tie my shoes by myself....

Tonight was the whiny old girl routine where SHE decided that I should do her eye drops in the afternoon before I leave for work........duh, that is what I said when I was switching jobs. You see she just doesn't get enough sleep:
Me: up at 6-6:30a. Walk dog, bfast (maybe), ice, water check, feed and water dog, get my lunch and head off for Arc office or group home. Work preferably till 12-12:30p and run home, do ice again cause it is hot and the cat can't have warm water (let me interject here that Sammie may have no water while the cat has iced water), bring in the mail, clean up anything that needs to be done then. Now I go off to API at about 2:40p for my 3-11p shift where I am usually on the go for the next 8 hours, then I come home and give the drops in that one eye, check food and water and crawl into bed hopefully falling asleep before 12-12:30a. Start all over the next day. Now one day every week I don't have to do the evening job and every other weekend I am really blessed with 2 days off from both jobs!!! I am looking very forward to August 3rd when I will be celebrating my independence from the Arc of San Diego!!
Mom: up around 8-9a. Have bfast and read newspaper till 10ish. Trot back to room for prayers and game shows. Maybe watch TV or clean cat litter, or wash undies/slippers. About noonish come back out to the kitchen for fully prepared meal to stick in microwave (meal is prepared during those "days off" of mine). takes till 1p or so and then she will wash her dishes and go back to her room and watch a baseball game or soaps until she lays down for her nap around 2:30-3p. Up around 5p and back out for dinner (also mostly prepared and ready to go) at 6p. By 7p she is on her way back to her room (now we have a thermos for her nighttime ice cause she doesn't want to walk to the kitchen again). On nights I don't work she is at the door asking for her eye drops around 9:30p, "you can do my drops now, I know you're tired" Like she is doing me a favor.

For me, I will be a stronger person for this experience. I will hopefully be a better aging adult. I know she is scared of death, we all are...some more than others. Death is the ultimate unknown but it is unavoidable. I would think that as you get closer to the end of life, and especially if your life has become so difficult, that the idea of a rest would be welcomed. But mom still checks her blood pressure daily and stews about her bowels and little aches and pains that most of us just don't even think about. Yet she will not pursue the doctor about physical therapy, she gives me a cock and bull story and the doctor says he thinks she needs it but i think she tells him she can't do it. She stopped taking her Fosamax for bone strength cause she hasn't had a scan recently. Pretty sure that is why her leg hurts more but she knows more than I do and more than the doctors do.

I pray every day that this is the day she doesn't get up from that bed, just go in her sleep. I sleep more lightly than when Jessica was little cause there is always that chance of a nice fall. I am always watching (and I know that sometimes she puts on "extra drama" just for me) trying to figure out what other modifications can be done to maintain her. I am never really "off", not even when I am sleeping for those 5-6 hours a day.

2:11am

2007-06-13T02:10:00.000-07:00

You would think that getting up at 5:30a in order to walk the dog and get to work for 7a, working till 7p walking the dog, taking care of the house/mom and getting to bed somewhere between 10 and 11p would mean that I was tired and sleeping......
Ya, that's why I am on the damn computer at 2am!!! I figure if I write some of it down that maybe my head will quiet down. I am tired just not sleeping. Every night has been a little less. Wednesday should be fun!
At API things are going well, there is so much to learn. It is fun and scary to have that sense that one could fail. So far everyone says I am doing fine and learning quickly. It has been great fun to hang out with really professional individuals again, not stuffy, just focused on their jobs.
At Arc things are getting rough. Dan and Susan could be sharing one brain and I think it might be "Abby Normal"!! I leave info for them to give out and they tell no one, hell Susan usually forgets you have even told her. Dan is just so clueless it's not funny. Susan has taking to micro-managing me, something she hates to have done to her by Anthony. I don't need managing, especially by someone who is not a medical individual. Susan will choose an nurse to fill my position because she is highly educated and has a pretty resume, duh! How does one apply their wisdom, what is their work ethic, how do they interview?
I am trying to hold on for Karen. I gave my absolute last day as 8/3/07. More than fair. Susan really believes there is someone in these 4 resumes that want this job for what I get paid. She also believes that we can find a field nurse who wants to do only Arc for a job, not as a second job. It just goes back to the lack of respect for nurses at Arc.
I think this is helping. These blogs are good for cleansing the soul and putting down in visible form some things that you would never say out loud, it is a new form of psychoanalist!

Where am I?????

2007-06-04T20:41:00.000-07:00

I think Jess and Greg know the answer........

Not so long ago or far away....

2007-06-03T20:24:00.000-07:00

A young princess and a young prince were looking for their true loves. Their paths crossed many times but fate knew that they must live through some challenges before being rewarded with true love.
When they finally met it was as if they had been made for each other, date nights at the book store and coffee shops, hours spent in artful pursuits, support for each others dreams. Their story is far from over, in truth it is still young but their love already has deep roots. It is like a light in the dark, a warm glow that provides a safe haven. They are fortunate, they are best friends, they are lovers, they are husband and wife.

Speeding by..

2007-05-29T05:44:00.000-07:00

Life is speeding by these days. My friend, Pat, has her last day at Arc today. People that you just did not expect to be so emotionally impacted are and others are only concerned with how her leaving affects them personally.
My brain was on overdrive last night so getting to sleep was difficult and staying asleep was too! Even this morning I woke with ideas running through my head about my weak nurse and how am I going to achieve this or that, things that need to be shifted to others in my absence. The people in the ivory tower (main administration) only care about the Medi-Cal part of my job. They don't care that one nurse just doesn't understand how to update her orders. She just follows whatever the physician writes, it's a Philapino thing. She can't teach either and she never listens.
Whenever I get sentimental about leaving Arc I just look at the fact that the administration there is a bunch or idiots and that Pat and I deserve a life that goes beyond putting our fingers in the holes. Regional Center will protect the guys in our absence, so will licensing. I have to say that this last hiring of the boy toy in accounting was probably the last straw. He is getting $50k/annual, has no degree and is just starting accounting classes. My REGISTERED NURSES with degrees and licenses (who care for peoples health and welfare) are paid $56k, I get $60k with 16 years experience in the field. Screw Arc, I deserve better. I can't wait to sleep with a clear mind.

Up in the air...

2007-05-19T14:08:00.000-07:00

Even though a lot of things are falling into place there is still that sense of waiting. I have completed my PPD, physical, etc. and am waiting for a start date for my new job. I see the next 2 months as being very hectic and crazy. Working 2 jobs for a while, weening the Arc people off of their heavy dependence on my brain, learning new things at my new job.
As I stand for most of the weekend day in my kitchen so that I can get some food ahead for Mom I wonder where my life will be in 6 months. I wonder what I would do with my time if I did not need to take care of her, I wonder.......
What I hope for is that I can just cook daily or every other day and put up left overs for her. I hope that I can walk to dog, do breakfast and go to the gym for a while in the mornings. I hope that having my mornings free will allow me more freedom to do other things like browse the mall, read a book, enjoy my patio. I do hope for a future where I can put myself first once in a while.

2am

2007-05-05T02:05:00.000-07:00

At 2am you can really let your mind wander. What else is there for it to do at this hour? The neighbors and mom would question my cooking or cleaning so the computer is probably the most effective tool for funneling my racing thoughts into the proper direction.

My friend (fired for a personal time DUI) came to the office late Friday night to clean out her space. Her job is already being posted and not by our department. Pat told her (seeing as she no longer works with us) about her own pending resignation. She had shown me a very nicely written letter of resignation. I think my interview went well but you never know, I am sure there are more diversified nurses out there. Most people I know think I am pretty smart but job hunting is difficult as you get older.

Pat is hoping that if I do get a job soon that I don't leave before her but understands that I need to go. I do foresee a domino effect though. I am sure Karen will aggressively look for other employment. Sue thinks that with both her and I gone that Brad (our psych) will drop Arc consumers. One of my newer nurses "can't" take on call but is great with the daily stuff, the other is not so great with most of the job. Karen is the strongest one but she is bitter at the "unfairness" of Adunni not taking call, something that carries an extra stipend. There is even a chance that a woman who has been with a certain group of consumers for 20 years will be leaving for retirement as her husband gets a significant payout from a lawsuit. There is already rumors that one of the consumer's is being placed elsewhere because the parent is angry over the person being fired for DUI.

To further explain the DUI thing you have to see our policy (through the mud). You must have a valid California license period for most positions. In order to be a driver (drive an Arc van) you must have a clean record. But we in administration do not drive Arc vehicles and rarely take consumers in our vehicles and our need for a clean record is not detailed. I wonder if I had had one of my speeding tickets rolled into "reckless driving" (which is done when you are over 80 or 90mph) would I be fired? Through the court process that is what eventually happens, the first DUI can be pleaded down to "Reckless" (which is on a list on no-nos for an Arc "driver").

The thing is the Arc has an HR director who does not attend 90% of the meetings she is supposed to attend. They have a director of accounting who still does not understand the process for TAR application even though I have sent her details at least 20 times. The "legal counsel" is more volatile than a tube of old nitro, one day a teddy bear and your best friend, the next day he is screaming at you in front of people for something that is insignificant. Accounting can leave early on payday but two upper management folks in our department cannot be gone on one day together.

And so I hope for a state position but I am hoping for API PM shift in the meantime. I should go get some water so that I can get up to pee 30 minutes after I fall to sleep (I hope!)

Fizzle and Burst

2007-05-03T10:31:00.000-07:00

So a few more individuals know about Pat's departure from Arc. Susan Rehm is begging me to not depart but is aware that I have some stuff "in the works". The worst was that my DUI friend is being fired. It totally sucks as she does not need to drive consumers in her job. The P&P on the need for the license is vague. Yet 2 individuals who do not work with her, who have been out for way more leave than anyone else in the company would be allowed, who random answer your important questions and who may have some substance abuse or psychiatric problems of their own made the decision to fire her despite input from families and co-workers that losing her would be detrimental to the consumers.

I wonder if I could get a FT position at API? I had best discuss options with mom today so that I can approach tomorrow's interview with less ambivalence.

Bursting Bubble or........

2007-05-01T09:41:00.000-07:00

Right now everything is truly a waiting game. One friend has a chance at a new job but it is a slow process. I can't wait till she is able to put in her notice! Another friend is having a meeting today to see what the chances of keeping her job are after a DUI and the vagueness of Arc policy on the driver license for simple employment (vs as a driver for Arc itself). Mom is waiting with her last rites and her paid funeral plan. I am waiting for the state but have been contacted by another employer for a possible interview.....

It is like sitting on a bubble waiting for it to pop! Or maybe it will simply fizzle down like a big red balloon left out in the sun too long. Either way I am sure it is affecting my sleep and my ability to concentrate on the tasks at hand. Yesterday I just up and left the office to go circulate in the group homes, it was a good break but everything is still up in the air this morning. Resolution for a few things would be great........

Time??

2007-04-26T18:22:00.000-07:00

Mom asked for the number to the old Santee church the other day. She told me the priest came today, he gave her communion, and "the rest". She mentioned that it wasn't as complicated and that she is "already now". I have to admit that I could not control myself and I snickered a bit. Mom may be right and the time is near but she is also like the little boy who cried wolf. She has talked about it for so long that it is hard to take her seriously.

I think about death but mostly about the fact that I would hope for it to come later in life and preferably before I become too feeble. Otherwise I plan for life, I hope that is always my direction.

The Game

2007-04-04T22:05:00.000-07:00

The game is Mabel asks a question like "do you still go to that store?" Duh? What store? "The THRIFT STORE!", like I am just the biggest moron in the world. The next move is for me to try to find out what she really wants. "What do you want?" Well there's this jacket......

She wants me to take the jacket to the thrift store, sell it and buy something for myself there. Sounds so sweet doesn't it......But I don't need anything and I really don't have time to make an appointment and go down to sell ONE jacket! Keep it for Janet (this has become my favorite lately) As I see it she should give the "shower girl" Janet these things. Little momentos...Janet took the meat grinder (YES!!!!) and I am sure she would accept a few more things. Janet is a nice lady so I am very happy with mom giving her stuff.

But the game will continue with other things where instead of just stating what the need is, she will ask questions that have little to do with her goal until I look at her like the 3 year old she has become and force her to the point of the conversation. Life is ever challenging.......

Passing

2007-04-04T06:05:00.000-07:00

Life is what happens while you are waiting for ..........
The thing is you should never wait for anything, but life doesn't always work out that way. I'm not talking about the wait in line at the grocery store or for gas at CostCo. I am talking about waiting for your doctor to tell you that a loved one is ok, for that job to be yours, for your knees to start working in the morning.
People often say "you have to grab life by the horns!" Well I do believe that you must be an active participant in life and that you should take advantage and, indeed, make your own opportunties. But this brings me back to a topic from a radio host the other day about the rudeness of people today...on the road, in stores, in the workplace. People are so self-focused that they no longer think about waiting for anything, their needs outweigh the need to stop at a red light, allow an individual to cross the street, the need to make eye contact with the person you are dealing with. Thank you and please are becoming extinct, technology has overtaken common courtesy.
We are doing a dis-service to ourselves and future generations in our hurry to live our lives and grab all we can get out of it. Life isn't about grabbing the most, it is about living the best. Sometimes living best means sitting on the porch and waiting for the mail.

Trader Joe's and the Prius

2007-03-24T09:56:00.000-07:00

This is my favorite store to the point that I am not sure I would live somewhere tat did not have one. Shopping is an adventure. Obviously TJ's is a favorite for greenies as well. This is the Grossmont TJ in La Mesa California. Saturday mornings the regulars show up at 8a to beat the crowds. We don't always park like this, I guess the stars were also aligned. There was another silver Prius further up.

One of us has to go.....

2007-03-17T23:40:00.000-07:00

Nights like tonight make me wish I had the courage and the ability to put Mabel out of my misery. I don't ask for much and I do everything I can. I have re-arranged my kitchen to make everything convenient. Her meals are either Banquet or totally put together frozen dinners from scratch. I have bought her a heater, a shelf unit, new dishes and a bread box to store them in. I clean her room and the rest of the house and provide her meals.
Tonight I went out to my friend Melissa's house. At 11:10p Mabel leaves me a message on my phone; where am I , the dog is looking for me. "Well, I got my water....". But that is not enough she has to make sure to embarrass me in front of everyone and make me feel like shit so she calls again and this time I answer. She is all whiny and says again that the dog is looking for me. My friends feel sorry for me, the mood is totally ruined. Truthfully even before she called I knew she would, it is just my life these days. Every morning that I hear her moving around in there is the start of another day of bondage for me. I am becoming a prisoner in my own my home.

Point of View

2007-03-15T06:34:00.000-07:00

Soon Greg's mom will be visiting the kids in Italy. I had emailed her recently and was surprised when she said she was going to just let Jessica take the pictures. I could not imagine going on a trip without my camera. If I did not have my camera then I would not have some incredible photos. My daughter has one point of view and I may have another. It was great to compare our compositions. Downloading my photos to my work and home computers where they entertain me daily was another benefit.
If I did not have my own camera with me I would have never gotten these.....

On Disneyland

2007-03-06T20:43:00.000-08:00

The Happiest Place on Earth? I must say that having not been there in a while it is easy to forget that it IS really a fun place. There are the tears of tired children, the frustrated sighs of bewildered parents and expensive food. But there is also wonderment and a belief that that robotic Indiana Jones is the real thing. Children wait patiently to have a photo taken with Buzz Lightyear, they probably never wait that patiently for anything. Bright eyed "actresses" sign autograph books as Ariel, Mary Poppins and Alice in Wonderland.
In the middle of the town square stands the statue of Walt Disney with a child. Could he have thought that this would last through countless generations? Could he have realized the incredible imprint it would make on the world in general? Many nationalities come here to see this place, ride on these rides and meet the characters. Is it our need to touch the child within? To forget the horror of war, crime and disease?
I must admit that I did have a great time and thought about taking my grandkid(s) there. There is simply an air of hope on those acres. We need that, no matter how fleeting.

Suicidal Hen

2007-02-28T21:36:00.000-08:00

Not sure what the old girl was thinking, still don't know where she came from.......but she chose this yard instead of the backyard neighbors. One of them has a large carnivorous cat, the other 2 each have dogs who would most likely have ended the poor girls misery. But she somehow managed to get herself into my yard. Earlier in the day mom said she was walking about and even tried to come in, it seems she has now given up and is "ready" for dinner!! DO you think she knows what she is sitting next to???

San Diego

2007-02-25T18:02:00.000-08:00

Technically, I live in La Mesa but that is part of SD county. Actually SD County encompasses everything from the beachfront, to small villages, to mountains and deserts. We can drive from the beach in the morning to play in the snow at Mt. Laguna and then out to the deserts in one day.
Today I saw a road runner, dead fish, sea birds, new growth on burned out trees, sand storm and a toppled sign. I went from mid 40s to 70's in a few hours. I saw desolation and life, history and future. I was windburned and ate grit for a part of the day but I saw beauty and ugliness.
I think that there is something interesting in most places. My mom would not be able to see the beauty in one tiny flower sticking it's head out, she does not see the beauty in steep canyon walls. For her it must be green and delicate flowers. There is something to be said about the tenacity of the wild desert, the cactus, the animals who live there. Just one thing.......if it is a windy day get your hair under something, it's worse than riding in a convertible!!

Planning Life vs. Planning Death

2007-02-20T21:42:00.000-08:00

My mom has been desperately trying to call my nephew. I thought it was entirely for the purpose of learning about what was going on with his break-up. She wants him to give her dress, jewelry, etc. that she wishes to be buried in to the funeral home.
My mother has been planning and talking about her death for years. She has a dress picked out. She has a set of prayer beads that she wants in the casket with her. She even has her casket picked out. Although I am the person she lives with, the person who cooks her meals, cleans her laundry, her room and takes her to appointments and more, I am not the person with whom these items and plans can be trusted.
She always makes it clear to people that they should be sure to tell me that they want (item) when she dies. You see she believes that I will apparently just throw it all away.
My plans include new paint for her room when she is gone, places to visit without needing a babysitter, a new job without ties on how it will affect my ability to be at home to help her with meals and such, putting my kitchen together in a way that is convenient to me. Many of my plans hinge on the chance that she will follow through on her plans before someone decides I need to go first. For right now, I do not plan on my death. I am slightly ashamed to say that I have not finished my estate planning...something that should be done without the morbidity of death as a motivator.
She is old, She is creaky but alas, she is healthy as a horse!

Savory Bread Pudding

2007-02-11T10:04:00.000-08:00

Most of my best meals come from leftovers. This was from Friday Night's get together.

I used a shallow baking dish sprayed with oil. I place a layer of rosemary olive oil bread sliced about 1/2-3/4 in. thick. Then I spread a thin layer of ricotta cheese. I diced up some asparagus and red peppers and sprinkled them over the bread and cheese layer and topped it with a generous sprinkle of parmesan cheese. Then I mixed up eggs with milk, S/P and some Italian seasoning (rosemary, thyme, oregano, add some red pepper for a little kick) For my small shallow pan, 2 eggs and about 3/4 milk worked just fine. Pour the mixture over the bread and return to fridge to soak for about 1hr then bake at 350 for about 20-30 minutes. Some of this depends on the depth of your pan and such. Can be enjoyed warm or room temp.

Almond Roca Cookies!

2007-02-06T22:17:00.000-08:00

I love Almond flavoring! Messing around in the Kitchen tonight I developed these.

Dry Roast about 1 1/4 c. Slivered Almonds (the thinest ones), just light golden color

Mix 3/4 c of the almonds in small processor with 1 stick butter, 1 Tb Almond Paste

Mix to fine consistency then place in bowl.

Cream mixture with 3/4 c. gran. sugar, 1/2 tea. vanilla, 1 tea. almond extract. Add one egg and mix till blended. Combine 1c flour, 1/2 tea. each of baking soda and salt.

Bake at 350 for 9-10 minutes. Let cool and begin the topping. Take the left over almonds and process with a teaspoon or 2 of sugar till chopped but not too fine. Place in shallow plate. I like a nice dark 60% or more chocolate. Melt 2-3 oz with 1 Tb butter and about 2 Tb cream (or to lose a couple calories use evap. fat free milk!), add 3/4c powdered sugar. Use back of spoon or knife to spread the chocolate on the cookie and then press the cookie into the nut mixture. let rest for the topping to firm up again.

Makes about 2 1/2 dozen. Yummy!!!

Sharing and Technology

2007-01-28T10:00:00.000-08:00

When Jessica and Greg signed up for the Italy stint the first thing I did was to upgrade from dial-up to DSL. I knew that there would be a need for faster and more powerful computer power. Days when you can share a sunset with your loved ones even though they live on the other side of the world are really special...

United States Postal Service

2007-01-25T21:28:00.000-08:00

I want to say that they do a fine job. I really don't use them much as all my bills are auto pay or ATM. I receive tons of mail, mostly unsolicited. But since the kids have ended up in Italy we have had multiple occaisons to utilize the "flat rate" boxes.

You can put anything not flammable, liquid, etc. in these boxes for (now) $8.10. When I shipped the cast iron grill plate...it was an incredible savings! You do have to limit yourself to one of the 2 boxes they have. One of the clerks recently told me some guy tried to tape 2 of them together...I think he missed the point that regular size is more important in shipping than weight. They did not accept his modification.

All that being said, they don't do cakes very well. Therefore Jessica will be receiving Birthday Cookies instead.

Sunday Morning

2007-01-21T21:48:00.000-08:00

Sunday morning is one of those "feelings" that you wish could last longer. You do anything to draw it out, savor the feeling of Sunday morning.
I personally love the Egrets feet, what lovely shoes!!

2007

2007-01-20T20:58:00.000-08:00

As we enter this year I have turned 50, my mother will turn 91 and my daughter 30. The dog is 11 and I think the cat is near 15. Some of us are obviously getting older than others but the direction of life is pretty consistent. There is no reverse, just turns and forward.
When I turned 50 in October 06 I said it was better than the alternative, that is still my feeling. It is not easy though to hit these later years. Your body aches, your bladder is weak and you got to keep ahead of those damn grey hairs. But at least there is tomorrow and tomorrow is a new and clean palate.
I am looking for a new job. Dara and I talked about a catering business today, we would leave finances and management to Melissa. Fortunes turn, new doors open. There is something to look forward to, sometimes you just have to move an obstruction.

Life's little pleasures....

2007-01-16T19:38:00.000-08:00

Pleasure is something that can be huge..."I won the Lotto!!" or as with most pleasures....Sammie gave me love even though we didn't go for an evening walk.

Consumers who make me laugh
Chocolate (minimum 60%) with some sort of "cello"
Knowing that what I drive makes the world a little cleaner
Being able to live with those dog hair "dust bunnies"
Finally being able to taste my meal after several days of having no taste buds
Seeing my daughter and son-in-law all over my house and on my work and personal computers
Crawling into bed at a decent hour and sleeping through the night

So there is balance in everything but you can't blame a person for wanting less frustration and more pleasure.

Life's little frustrations..

2007-01-16T19:20:00.000-08:00

It's an old saying, meant to lessen the impact of those glitches that occur in the daily grind. At what point do they become more than little frustrations, is there a quota?

Mom wants to have a "handyman" come into my house to dump garbage and help her with her cat litter. Anything is better than asking me for help.
People at work who call me when I am not the on-call
Getting sick just when I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel for nursing coverage at work
Mom playing the martyr..."is that some of those fruit you made bread out of?" I finally figured out she was talking about persimmons. No, the fruit is grapefruit (doesn't look anything like persimmons). See, she doesn't eat anything that is not on her shelves. I am not the one who set this up. It is a huge frustration to be unable to use my kitchen efficiently.
San Diego Sports fans, tons of them jump on the wagon when the team is playing well but now they will all crawl under the rugs again. Shallow fools!
Mom's unwillingness to ask for a simple favor. "You know I really like that bean salad. I thought it was all gone but there's some in there". The jar is too big for her to handle and so I will put some in a smaller container. Well, I havebeen busy and now sick but I was supposed to KNOW what she needed without her expressing it out loud.
People who make the same stupid mistakes over and over again. I have a friend who dates drinking buddies and wonders why they turn out to be losers.

That is the gripe for the day and it will be balanced because thankfully there are some great things that happen everyday too.

Snowflakes in San DIego

2007-01-16T07:27:00.000-08:00

I was up early today and took the dog to the park in the car d/t my recent/current flu. I see out of the corner of my eye a yellow light on the dashboard......OH MY GAWD! It is the dread SNOWFLAKE icon! Toyota has this yellow snowflake (har! har!) that shows up when the temp hits 37F. It goes with the adage "bridges freeze before the road". It's not like I don't know that it is cold out. As you can see the daily patch of ice on the front lawn reminds you it is cold, my frost bitten trumpet tree reminds me we have been having cold weather. I did want some wintery weather but I was hoping for California winter, damp, rainy and 50's, it is warmer in some north eastern states. Mom, of course, believes that she is being frozen to death if the room temp is not 75-80 through out the house. I, on the other hand, believe in dressing appropriately for the weather.

Saturday in Carlsbad

2007-01-14T10:01:00.000-08:00

Southern California is an interesting place to live. We have what most people would consider great weather. Hard to believe that you can actually yearn for a thunderstorm. Because people here are from so many different places you will often see the most odd collection of clothing on just a few folks.

The boy at the fountain has a long sleeve shirt, the woman behind him is sleeveless and the lady next to her was one of many with "fur" trimmed coats.

The California roads are also a challenge. We are a busy and usually distracted bunch of people, therefore we frequently run into each other. The Lexus SUV that was also involved did not look like there was any damage but it was taken away on a flat bed.

Toyota Carlsbad

2007-01-13T19:56:00.000-08:00

I told the sales guys there that they had the easiest job in the county, it was like they were shooting fish in a barrel!!

There is five of the Ford people in one photo, they get to watch the action from across the street. Behind the palm fronds are 6 Dodge reps, 2 more were at the other end of their very empty lot. Then there is a pic of one of many Toyota sales. The sales people there were really earning their big bucks! As soon as they passed off one buyer to financing or prep, another was waiting. New cars were driving on and off the lot like it was rush hour, not just test drives. "I have an F150 to trade in", "an Expedition", "I traded my Lexus for a Prius". There was some business at Honda and VW but the traffic in the Toyota Carlsbad lot was amazing.

I don't know if it is the truly nice employees at TC that makes me take my car all the way up there, or just the chance to shop at the mall. At least it was a beautiful sunny day.

The Gift of Life

2007-01-08T06:20:00.000-08:00

When you look back on your writings sometimes you can see tings that were not in your mind when you wrote the original words (beyond a few typos).

We live in a world with laws about dog care, smoking, how to build a house and many other things. Gays can't marry yet heterosexuals don't seem to do a very good job of marriage themselves. Yet it is easier to have a child than it is to adopt a puppy from the pound.

I have heard many of my friends say it about raising their children....I am not going to be like my mother/father. My need to have Jessica in her own bedroom was part of my childhood. We learn good and bad from every experience in life. Some parents look for wisdom in a book or other "program" for parenting.

There is no Golden Rule, no panacea. All you can do is learn and apply the basics:

CPR and basic medical care
some level of simple cooking
listening skills; listen to your child and to others who talk to you about your child
your child is an individual not your little carbon copy, treat him/her like they are special
be The Parent, it is ok that your child has a tiny little fear (the sleepover story supports this-spilt chocolate milk, Jessica tellling her friend that she has to tell her mom, frien going "no, no", Jessica tells, I calmly have them clean it up)

Life is the ultimate gift and it should be lived well. The best thing to remember is to do your best and learn to be forgiving because everyone screws up and learning is lifelong.

Our San Diego

2007-01-06T17:09:00.000-08:00

Jessica has "wander lust" from years of not staying in one place. Even in the 7 years we were in the one complex in Frsno, we lived in 3 different units. San Diego was no different. First was the 2 story town house, then the apartment across from Patrick Henry. That was another one of those eventful places. My sister had passed away while we were living there and I was having trouble sleeping. I had taken some Benedryl and was close to sleep but that Black cat of mine would not let me be. I had heard what I thought was a broken sprinkler but as I heard people outside saying things like "do you think there is anyone in there?" I started to wake up to the realization that the sound was not water. I could see the flames and embers flying past the living room window, yellow glowing from the kitchen. I threw my clothes on and went to get Jessica. Our neighbors place was on fire and was totally gutted. We had no phone service for a while and there were smoke burns on the floor in the kitchen. We were lucky.

Jessica's friend was also hit by a car while we lived there. I was home when it happened. I remembered the curtains were drawn, the car tires squeeled and there was a horrific thud. I ran to the balcony, my heart in my throat. The relief at seeing it was not my child was replaced with the normal concern for her friend.

Our move from there was the starting point for many years of moving about. Our shortest stay was 6 months in La Mesa. We were the downstairs tenants in a house. Thin floors/ceilings allowed me to listen to the drunk upstairs neighbor snore as he passed out above me. Jess had this great room while we were there. The curtains were so thick..... I had gone to Arizona for a seminar but I decided to call Jessica one morning. It was obvious that it had been nice and quiet and dark...she was sleeping. I believe she got a ticket that day.

All through High School Jessica did not date, sometimes I wondered and I waited. We were living in Alpine and Jessica was taking a class at (I think) Grossmont. She was so excited when she met Wakiza. I did not get it but I did my best to support it. We moved to Santee where we would stay for a few years and where Jessica would move out on her own. It was our most difficult period. Wakiza would work to seperate her from friends and family. Jessica is tenacious in making things work; Jobs, finances, relationships. It would be some long and painful years but it would eventually pass. I was living in Normal Heights by then and Jessica would move away from Wakiza for the last time. In debt and finally talking to a therapist who had her best interests in mind, Jessica would turn her life around. She started new relationships, she would re-establish old ones, she went back to school, she would be Jessica Colomb again.

After some healing Jessica would run into an old friend. Both of them were convinced by friends to go clubbing and once together they would recognise each other as soul mates, kindred spirits. Jessica had even worked with Greg's mom for a while, making such an impression on Joyce that she would think "if only I could get Greg and Jessica together". Fate even had a back up plan, Jury Duty!!

Jessica and Greg have themselves firmly planted on the road of life. When I told my friends that Jessica "had to get married" they looked at me with a look that said "have you lost your mind?" Eveyone that knows Jessica knows that she is intelligent, goal oriented and would not be pregnant! The government says you must be a spouse in order to accompany your SO to an overseas assignment so on July 23rd 2005 Jessica Colomb and Gregory Magnuson got married. It was a great ceremony at the courthouse and a wonderful family reception at ED. Later, Jessica would plan and execute a fabulous friends and family reception/going away party.

My daughter and son-in-law would give me the best 50th birthday ever! My time in Italy was incredible. I felt like a queen for 3 1/2 weeks. I got to enjoy being with my family in some lovely places and stored up so many fantastic memories. I can't be with Jessica for her 30th but seeing as how we moved Christmas about on a regular basis I guess we can celebrate anything anywhere anytime. Life is about taking everyday and making it as special as you can, just thinking about Jessica can make my day special.

I love you baby!

Part 2

2007-01-05T21:12:00.000-08:00

We lived in Fresno from 1981 till 1989. We moved from that 1st one bedroom into a 2 bedroom apartment and then into a 2 bedroom bungalow. The manager and her family became friends. Jessica's first "official" baby-sitter was our next door neighbor. She lasted for a couple years. Jessica would (at the tender age of 4 1/2) get up and go next door to Dorothy's. We quit Dorothy when she dated another neighbor and left Jessica with her schizophrenic friend who often failed to take her meds. By now the friendship with Eva and Steve and their kids was firm. Our 2 BR apartment's back door was right next to Eve's kitchen door. The whole get up and go to the neighbor's thing continued. It is no wonder she is so self confident, she had to be.

We actually had a report against us with CPS about the time we changed sitters. Dorothy's BF reported us. The school was shocked, Jessica is so well adjusted, Her mom is great! Eva also pitched in....it was "illegal" to leave your kid "alone" before the age of 12.

We had great fun there. My sister yelled at her kids for shaking the table on one visit, her first earthquake. We had a frightening crash sound in the front during our 2 br stay. The apartments were set up in a U around the pool. Some guy had driven his car through the fence and was in the pool. We had him in our place with towels and the phone. We also had a major car accident there....however I do have to re-count my own 30th birthday in order to get further.

Eva and I would go clubbing, some other friends too. So for my 30th we went out. Jessica was spending the night at their house with the kids. That was when I picked up My Bad BF. He would stay in our lives for nearly 6 years. As Jessica now realizes, a person is not always capable of making good decisions when it comes to those sort of relationships. If I had not dated Mobin then we might not have moved to SD and she might not have met Greg, so it is all in the journey.

Jessica has always been such a trooper. Our accident was Mobin driving and not paying attention. He rear ended an older Camaro. Totalled my car. That was before regular wear of the seat belt so our gaurdian angel was working overtime. I hit the windshield and had a headache for weeks, broke the windshield. Jessica thankfully did not go through the windshield but I think she might have broken her jaw......poor kid! Fonder memories include the kids dancing, sleepovers, and that 4 poster/canopy bed. Telling everyone she met our phone number....Jess, just if you get lost. Finally asking that "color" question....why is his hand (palm) so white? When she was young Jessica loved my medical books.

Our last year there we moved into another complex, not as much fun, though we had ducks and ponds, the property was nice....Jessica did get the big bedroom! I am sure that there are many more memories from Fresno. Times were lean, we ate Spam and Mac and Cheese. We got free fruits from friends, neighbors. Furniture and even a Christmas Tree were given to us. I try to return the favor now that I can, it feels good.

I grew up with Jessica in Fresno. I learned to kill my own spiders, pay my bills and deal with the daily challenges of, not only life in general, but life as a single parent and student. Does the child reflect the parent or does the parent changes and adapt to the child. I think it is a bit of both.

1989 will see us on the road to SD for the final trip (used to go down often on the weekend after Mobin moved back there to be with family).

Adults, children and birthdays: Part 1

2007-01-05T06:36:00.000-08:00

This year on January 29th my daughter turns 30. This seems to stick in my head as bizarre and un-natural much more than the fact that I turned 50.

I (obvously) had Jessica when I was 20. I had come home after a rather unsuccessful attempt at Nurses training in Albany New York. I was working as a nursing assistant in Burlington, going out most weekends to my favorite bar in Rousse Point NY. Living at home with my parents which made my mother pretty happy. I was pretty irresponsible.

As time rolls on you event of the past get jumbled. I was "seeing" one of the bartenders at the time. He was divorced and had a little girl but really did not seem to want anything more. I had just quit seeing this hunk from Canada, Daniel Racine. One of those, he doesn't speak much English, I don't speak much French. Didn't matter. Several months into the bartender thing I started to "miss" my period......I have never been a good historian so it was just like "when did I? I had started to gain weight and my tolerance for fish, booze and cigarettes had gone south. My mother cornered me in the kitchen (somethings are clear as day) and got me to admit that I was most likely pregnant.

Everyone was excited but me...I was shell shocked. We were told if we wanted any type of assistance I would need to move out and go on welfare. Got to love the government. So I stayed home and was still covered by my dad's insurance when I produced my daughter.

I always like to tell everyone about my labor. It was before people were big into planing anad classes. I never even had an Ultra Sound. My BP had been high so I was already in the hospital (not complying well to the bedrest thing). In the late afternoon of 1/28 I started having moderately intense, and very regular, menstual cramps. I called my sister to ask her (4 children and a couple of miscarriages for her) what it was like. She said she would keep the driveway clear. At about 11p I decided I was no longer OK with the way I felt and called for a nurse. I got the condesending "you're fine, take this and you'll rest". Well I took what ever they gave me but within 15-20 minutes I had decided to once again assert to the nurses that I was indeed in labor and promptly tossed up the pill thay had given me. I must have been pretty advanced because the nurses started running around like chickens with their heads cut off (that has always been one of those odd sayings). My sister arrived a bit before 1a and some idiot anesthesiologist went ahead with an epidural for a child that was nearly delivered! Dr. Wirts slowed Jessica's progress out to suction out her mouth as my sister, proud mother of 4 boys, threatened to come and take over if he did not promptly display the sex organs of this child!! So at 1:29a on 1/29/77 I delivered Jessica Lynn Colomb.

I don't know when I became a mother though. As a fairly unprepared post teen I really had no idea what I was in for. Maybe I became a mother the day I decided to leave my parents home. Jessica was a joy to raise. We had old fashioned discipline, none of this "now honey don't touch that hot stove cause the heat is going through and the electricity....." just don't touch!! Moving to California was a real crazy thing in the eyes of my mother. Another one of those clear as day moments, standing in the living room, she is yelling at me for taking her grand daughter away, people in California are crazy, I hope someday your child treats you the way you are treating me. But she came with us to California to make sure we got settled OK. The saddest thing was saying goodbye to my dad that morning and wathching him on the back step of the house.

Fresno was my first taste of real freedom. Crazy was not far from my mind. We had a little one bedroom and mom insisted we rent to own furniture...got rid of the furniture as soon as she left. Jessica got the bedroom though. As a grown adult who had slept in the same room as my mother for all of my life I was not about to do that to my kid. Jessica would benefit from this well into adulthood, masterbedroom all the way.

Fresno Life: to be continued

Sweet Potato Canneloni

2006-12-30T11:42:00.000-08:00

This makes enough for 6-8 rolls depending on how full you make them. You can also stuff shells with the mixture if desired.

1 pkg. Trader Joe's Fresh Pasta Sheets
8oz ricotta salata
2 tbl crumbled goat cheese
1/2 c grated parm/regggiano (any grated combo will do)
one med/lge sweet potato
1/2 small onion (a little shaved fennel with the onion adds more flavor)
2 eggs or equivelent egg substitute
Tomato Sauce of choice (something fresher tasting will be best)
1 tbl fresh basil (or Trader Joe's frozen cube!)
Veggie of chicken broth
S/P to taste

Dice the potato, onion and fennel (if used). Roast in the 410 oven till golden and soft about 20 minutes. Let cool slightly and add the cheeses and eggs, basil and S/P to taste. I used my food process but you could get it mixed well with a mixer, just might want to cut the veggies up more.
I place some of the tomato sauce and broth in the bottom of my baking dish, about 1/2". You want the consistency to be that of a thick tomato soup. I then take the pasta sheet in my hand, place about 2-2 1/2 tbl of the mixture in the middle and wrap it up. Place it seam side down in the baking dish. After all the canneloni are rolled add abit more "brothed down" sauce to the tops (more like just moistening the tops), sprinkle with more grated cheese and bake at 350 for about 20 minutes.